rough day....

Hello,

I almost feel guilty writing in this and leaving it all for you to read because I dont want anyone to leave with a negative feeling, however on the same hand, I guess the reason why I opened this is so that I would have the ability to share my feelings and thoughts and even if no one reads it feel as if I am able to vent.

It is 11.45 pm and I am half way through my shift - its a great feeling and I am so excited to go home and sleep :) Been a long day as we were in Green Bay this morning and got up early, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right? Work has been iffy today. It started off with someone asking me if I would work for them over Labor Day. I felt like I had to be honest and let her know that I didnt know if I was going to be here. I hate to say yes and not be here, but then again its not like me to say no. I was told a couple times that I just havnt given it enough time and I need to suck it up for a while. HOWEVER I did have a guard who muttered something about the same group of people who I have a problem with. I kind of caught him saying it and we had a discussion. It was good to hear someone feel as strongly as I do about it. Really made me feel like I wasnt just being too sensative. I also had a lady email me tonight who works in another department and tell me just how excited she is that I am working here and how great I am. I wasnt going to tell her that I was leaving ... (man it takes stuff a long time to get around here.... WEIRD) but after a couple emails I felt like I had to tell her. I dont know what I am going to do about employment yet, but I hope God knows :)

I talked to my boss the other day and explained to her how I was feeling. She did compliment me which was nice and said they didnt want to loose me but also acknowledge that she might not be able to help me. The one possiblity she said would double my hours, but cut my pay in half. OUCH that hurts. I guess we will see what happends.

So this weekend I was really excited that I had overcome the loss of losing my family. As in family I mean my mom and brother. Really growing up that is all I had. I had no friends, and they were the only two people I really saw and of course we were very close. Its been a hard process, however its been a process that has mainly taken care of itself. I cant make myself in to the person they want me to be and I cant seem to find middle ground and not be hurt doing so. SO I have just been letting them go to whatever makes the happier. Well today we took my step brother to the hospital to see his grandfather who was ill and my parents ended up being there. I knew it was going to be wierd as I havnt really had a conversation with my mom in months. Well she tried, and of course I felt that little bit of longing which made me try to. Then it fetched into how she could not pick sides between me and my brother ... and I lost it. I know she cant pick sides, but dont tell me there is two sides to every story when you know what I am saying is very true and accurate. Im steping in and taking her spot as a mother role for him, and well she would rather be his best friend. Then she said she has stopped calling me because I dont answer sometimes and she feels like she is bothering me. I was like.>>>WELCOME to the club! This is why I dont call her anymore. I ended up walking away because I knew we were not going to get anywhere. I love her, I love my brother but they both have made me hate myself very much, the situation has caused me to want to be a loaner. I am sick of people and I am sick of being rejected. I have been rejected most of my life, and when it comes from family it is kind of the final straw.

All I can say is I am so blessed to have Alan in my life, because besides him I really have no one. I know that is not a healthy but honestly that is all I feel I have right now. I struggle on a regular basis .. I hate my physical apperance, I hate my physical abilities, and Ive come to realize there must be something wrong with my personality that others dont want to be around me.

Ok so just was kind of mean to Alan. Im telling you my food addiction is bad! Its like an alchoholic when you tell him he cant have alch or you tell him he can have water and not alch. I flip out, I so want to hide whatever I am feeling with food, that if I cant have it, and cant have what I want when I want of food I flip. I have serious issues with food. I feel horriable for putting Alan through all of this. Hes an amazing man for wanting to help, and putting up with so much but at my weight, there are somethings I can do, he does them, there are the moody moments, he puts up with them, there are the emotional flaires that come with it...he endures them.

Ok I know this has been a lot of ramble but I am so lost in the issues.

On the other hand, I know just how blessed I am to have my husband. I am blessed to have a job, and be able to go to school. I am blessed to have an amazing God that I can call on and talk to and have faith in. I have an adorable dog, who is near to my heart, and soon to have a new kitten. I have a huge heart, and know that I touch peoples lives... I have some friends who have stood by me even if they arnt as close as I would like. I have a nice apartment and food on the table. Im very blessed, so please dont think I take any of that for granted!

Smiles....

Its amazing how easy it is to smile when you have someone so great in your life. I dont know what it is but I have claimed to be in love many times in my life. However I am truly content with life, which allows me to focus on other things, such as my faith and myself. I know it shouldnt be this way, however I was in a rut where all I was focusing on was finding that amazing someone. Thank God ... he was right there!

Tonight I came to work and hoped on the scale. 431 pounds which is up from the 427 which was my lowest in the past couple weeks, however it is steady from early this week and still down from my first weigh in at 440 pounds. This makes me very excited, and I was able to get back on track...which is a good thing.

Work has been better then I thought tonight which is a good thing. I still dont know what the future holds but thats one of the crazy parts, Im not super nervous about it. Maybe I should be a bit more, but I think knowing that I have God and Alan ... my life doesnt seem to be shaken by these small things :)

I get off of work at 730 and I plan to sleep until about 2 - then gonna get up and do some more job searching, and maybe some cleaning around the house. Big Brother is on and Real World - of course the DVR will get good use. Will need to do some laundry and back and Friday morning we are off to Green Bay.

Very excited about GreenBay however this will leave temptations for going off of the diet, but I think as long as I look at serving size I should be ok. I know I am going to be retaining water because one of the things I am most excited for is a Gyro :) NUMMY..havnet had a real one since the last time I was there.

Alan has been amazingly strong that I feel pretty guilty. He had a run in with his boss a couple weeks ago and some of his other coworkers had told her he was not doing his job. They treated him pretty rotten and said they were giving him two weeks. He stated that he did nothing wrong, and I believe him, expecially since one of the things they said was he was not starting work until 30 minutes late...and Im the one that drops him off...so I know hes there. Ne ways I would have just left....I would have said F this. He didnt. He went and from the looks of it, they are giving him more hours so they havent fired him yet. Plus he puts up with it even though hes still catching people trying to get him in trouble. Then I am calling in sick because I cant stand my job. Hes sooooo amazing!

School starts in a few weeks and I am so excited. I really hope I disapline myself a bit better this semester and finally finish something. I am so tired of my past, starting things and never finishing them. I am better then that and I need to prove that to myself.

Ive had some female issues this week and Alan has taken SUCH good care of you. Doing some things that he doesnt need too and most men would be like..>EWWWWW.

I fall in love more and more everday.

Made a tater tot casserole today for the first time. SO simple but its kind of a simple victory for me as I am exploring the kitchen a bit more and I LOVE cooking. I have never really eaten it before because of the way people eat it and I didnt think I would eat my own. IT was GOOD! I am so loving the cooking at home and having more time to bake and clean!

Well I suppose I am going to head out for a little bit. I have a few lists I would like to post for myself so I might be back later.

It is sad...

when the reason you are most excited to go to work is to see how much you have gained on a scale. I know the last week has not been good for me food wise. Im getting back on track tomorrow and cant wait to see where I am at weight wise.

I talked to my boss at the temp agency and let her know that I didnt thing this position was a good one for me and that I had to resign. She asked for a two week notice which Im not a huge fan of as this is why you work temp...and if they didnt like me they wouldnt give me a notice...but such is life right. If Im not good then why would you want me there, however I guess I am a body. Lets just hope I dont blow up on someone in the mean time.

So I am going to keep it short and sweet today....Ill be back though! AND I am on track tomorrow!!!!

Very irritated with myself.....

Good Morning....

So last night I ate WAY TOO MUCH. Like I just was stupid with portion. I hat probably twice what I should have for meatloaf and definetly twice what I should have for dumplings!

Today I come weigh myself at work - before I had ate or drank - Im up 3-4 pounds. I am sooo angry at myself. I am so ashamed. This is the one part that I hate dieting with people. I know when I get home my brother is going to ask me how I did. Honestly ... I am going to tell him I didnt weigh in. Hes just so competative and as it is I hide what I eat from him. I know I shouldnt have to...but I do. I guess thats part of the addiction.

On the plus side of things, those damn snacks that they had left are now gone so I dont have to worry about eating those any longer! And I have learned my lesson I am going to tell people not to leave stuff - TAKE IT! I know I just have to look at this gain and move forward!

Today is a new day!

I had a granola bar and water for breakfast, granola bar and water for my first break, meat loaf for my lunch break, and chips and a diet soda for my last break. The bad part is I dont get off of work to eat supper until 930pm and of course have to be to bed by 1130 -- Which ruins my two hour rule.

Went to Oprahs site yesterday looking to see where she recorded cause we are looking for stuff to do in Chicago. Ne ways while I was at her site, she is looking for people who need to lose more then 100 pounds. So I wrote my story - I know I probably am not interesting enough, however I would like to see the show when she has it on. I guess I need to start DVRing her :)

I suppose I should get back to work - 12.5 hours and only down 1.5 hours. BOOOOO!

I remembered today...

So I remembered to post today. Thats great -- but it wasnt a good day food wise.

I woke up and had a granola bar for breakfast knowing I was planning on ordering chinese with a friend of mine from work as it is our last day working together. HOWEVER when I got to work I found out that they really were throwing a suprise pot luck. I probably could have eaten healthy...but yeah... I didnt. I had two sloppy joes, chips and dip, some pasta salad, a couple mini candy bars (more like more then a couple) and a cupcake. Tonight for dinner we are having meat loaf and dumplings...NOT horriable however very good food so I wont be able to skimp on it. :)

Today was a good day at work. I dont know if people really ment it or not but they threw me a party since I was leaving and all made a big deal about how much they were going to miss me. SO that was nice....way more then I was expecting. Then I spoke with my temp rep and she said they are working on making me perm for my half time position already. That was quick lets hope it works out. She also said that I could stil be a canidate for employment through them...which might be where I can get a few more hours. A PLUS!!! Just got to keep praying all goes well.

Alan got the new schedule which he was on. Mabye its a fluke or maybe its a sign that he is still go a job. I dont know. I am still ticked at them for making false acusations, and I think they should appoligize however Alan is so calm and we do need the job so I guess we just pass it under the rug.

Invited my brother and his girlfriend over tonight, Im not sure why. I know he is only going to hurt me down the road and he is only using me. However I cant stop. Mabye thats the next addiction I need to get rid of.

Havent talked to my mom in a couple days, once I come around to her then she starts back to the same old only contacting me once and a while... I have to just let her do what she wants and stop chasing her. It hurts how much my family finds me a bother, or an annoyance. Life goes on though...right.

Well I weigh in tomorrow and we will see how that goes. Im hoping for a kilogram down but I know considering how the week has gone... I shouldnt expect much. Lets just not hope for a gain.

I need to do better....

Ive decided I need to do better at this blogging thing. I feel like I dont get on here enough for myself or enough to help my friends and be there for them. For some reason I just keep forgetting it.

Well its been a bad couple of days for myself. My last weigh in on Monday I only lost 2-3 pounds I think that left me a little down. I know I should be ok with that but it just allowed me to not be as driven. Then I started my time of month the other day which doesnt help either :)

Tuesday we had a cook out, and I dont think I did as horriable as I could have :) I was happy about that. I did break my rule about going up for seconds however did half way decent the rest of the day. Yesterday was a night mare...I ate chocolate for every meal! BAD I told myself I was going to get back on track today, but since I woke up to cranky to eat breakfast, I had one of the donuts I took for work snack (even though I was kind enough to bring healthy stuff for the people that wanted it). Not horriable but could have been better. Then for lunch my boss asked me where I wanted to go... Today is our last day to work together before I start my other assignment. I didnt give any answers, as she was paying and I feel so uncomfortable with that. She choose chineese. Not the worst option but I could have picked a place where I could have eaten healthy. I broke my going up for seconds rule there toooo UGH. I didnt do bad outside of the fried mac and cheese bites but still!!!! Tonight when I got home I had these dumb little debbie snacks in which I dont buy but the other day someone offered to leave them from the cook out (I was strong and didnt eat any that night....) UGH why would they do that!!!!!
For dinner we are having pork chops and stuffing so I should be ok....but still not a stellar week - but could be worse. I guess we will find out Saturday when I get to weigh myself next.

Outside of food...hasnt been a horriable week. This is my last official week at full time and I jump to part time hours. Im hoping to find something else but that requires doing a resume and stuff and I have been really undriven enjoying spending time with Alan. The new assignment is going ok, though it is not all that I have wanted. Too many clicks, and it reminds me why I left the ER setting previously...however it is a job right? I should be thankful I have one... It still is temp, but there is at least the chance of being hired on at this job. So I will pray for the best.

My relationship is better then I could imagine, of course I think I could always be better for him and myself but I definetly can say its the happiest I have ever been and I feel extreamly blessed.

Family - well thats another issue I will talk about when the oven isnt calling my name to finish cooking.

Too long between posts - FOOD!!!

ok so I feel like a crazy women who has gone without there drug of choice for too long. Problem is my drug of choice is food and I am full! I just want to eat and am very desperate, ready to do almost anything to get bad food!

Its that time of month, and its been a very emotional day and I have set myself up for some more emotional days ahead of me. I think this is what is creating the urge to stuff myself into submission or pain...so that I dont feel the emotional pain.

My life is great - I have a wonderful husband, I have a job (not one I am hundred percent sure of but more then most people have), I am moving forward instead of back and.. Ive gone from 199 kilograms to 193 kilograms. (11-12 pounds)

If I could lock myself in the world of just myself and my husband I might not feel soo stressed. Ive began to distrust people, and the world in general.

My life long best friend my mom, has faded from my life. Her life is a battle shes fighting which leaves her no energy - or should I say positive energy for me. Though she is trying again...but am I setting myself up for pain.

My brother, the one whos always been the clown to make me smile when my heart was broken to no repair (or so I thought), has grown up and started to resent me for what he feels was an unfair childhood.

With the loss of the two closest people in your life you start to wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Up until three days ago, I had come to terms with those loses...however loss one started to come around which makes you feel better. Then loss two comes around and loss one makes you feel like you are disappointing her by not accepting loss two. Mabye none of the intentions but the way my heart is feeling.

Food seems to be the only cure.

My husband is so amazing and listens, offers advice, and supports my every move, however I am addicted! I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD!

My brother and husband have started to live healthier with me, they are doing great .... mabye better then I would like. Afterall I am the one with the most weight to lose ... I should lose fastest. They both like veggies, and I almost resent them for their power. HOwever at the same time I am soooo proud of them for their accomplishment. Together we have lost about 30+ pounds in the last 26 days.

Im so happy and I feel like my life is finally moving forward - but why cant I leave the weight behind. Im tired of this.... 20+ years of it is getting to me!

Til later...