Too long between posts - FOOD!!!

ok so I feel like a crazy women who has gone without there drug of choice for too long. Problem is my drug of choice is food and I am full! I just want to eat and am very desperate, ready to do almost anything to get bad food!

Its that time of month, and its been a very emotional day and I have set myself up for some more emotional days ahead of me. I think this is what is creating the urge to stuff myself into submission or pain...so that I dont feel the emotional pain.

My life is great - I have a wonderful husband, I have a job (not one I am hundred percent sure of but more then most people have), I am moving forward instead of back and.. Ive gone from 199 kilograms to 193 kilograms. (11-12 pounds)

If I could lock myself in the world of just myself and my husband I might not feel soo stressed. Ive began to distrust people, and the world in general.

My life long best friend my mom, has faded from my life. Her life is a battle shes fighting which leaves her no energy - or should I say positive energy for me. Though she is trying again...but am I setting myself up for pain.

My brother, the one whos always been the clown to make me smile when my heart was broken to no repair (or so I thought), has grown up and started to resent me for what he feels was an unfair childhood.

With the loss of the two closest people in your life you start to wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Up until three days ago, I had come to terms with those loses...however loss one started to come around which makes you feel better. Then loss two comes around and loss one makes you feel like you are disappointing her by not accepting loss two. Mabye none of the intentions but the way my heart is feeling.

Food seems to be the only cure.

My husband is so amazing and listens, offers advice, and supports my every move, however I am addicted! I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD!

My brother and husband have started to live healthier with me, they are doing great .... mabye better then I would like. Afterall I am the one with the most weight to lose ... I should lose fastest. They both like veggies, and I almost resent them for their power. HOwever at the same time I am soooo proud of them for their accomplishment. Together we have lost about 30+ pounds in the last 26 days.

Im so happy and I feel like my life is finally moving forward - but why cant I leave the weight behind. Im tired of this.... 20+ years of it is getting to me!

Til later...