Back on track....

Well I didnt think that I was going to fall of track with Thanksgiving because I dont like the meal that much. Well I got kind of depressed because I was down on myself - things just wernt working out the way I had planned them to be...more about that later. So of course that ment i ate. LOTS AND LOTS of buns :) Then the next couple days just lead me off track. I am hoping to be back on track today though...Yesterday I dont think I went too far over...but tonights going to be hard. Last night my brother asked me if I wanted any soda or cheetos for work. Well considering that ment I didnt have to get up early I was like awesome. The soda was fine, however he got me a huge bag of cheetos instead of buying just an individual size one. Well there are nine servings...not that I couldnt eat all of them however I shouldnt and because they are there and thats all i have they are an easy target. The day is almost over and I have only eaten about 4 of the nine servings, but ... EEKS. that still is enough to kill :) Tonight we are all going to be home and so I am glad we get to eat as a family. I would hate to have no calories left.

SO Thanksgiving was hard for me - I was so thankful to have my most amazing husband, however I wanted to make him this great meal - a great pie! Needless to say it didnt work and I guess I was just down on myself as a woman. I was down on my body, on my cooking, on my house, on my child bearing abilities. I just - Crushed! I am so blessed to have the worlds greatest husband I just want to be all that he needs me to be.

My mom has kind of ticked me off yet again. I give up. I dont knwo why she feels like she has to hide things from me. I mean I know why, she thinks I will get down on her about them but if shes able to make that distinction then she shouldnt be doing the things in the first place. UGH. I dont know about her these days sometimes I feel like I am her babysitter! I love her and I miss her but I just dont know how shes going to keep going if she keeps wearing herself thin. I guess mabye she doesnt care -I just wish she did care for us kids sake.

Works been nuts this weekend. I am excited to be off of work and heading home, not that I have anything that exciting to do however I just want out of this office and to spend time with my husband.

Well .... I better go so I can get screamed at by a bunch of people who are mad that they havent gotten their taxis yet....

Later....

So I didnt resist....

So this donut was staring me in the face and I couldnt resist, however I did not go over my calories, I think I stayed under 1600 as long as I do not eat anything more, and though I am not hungry I am tempted! UGH.

I was just thinking of something and it kind of irritates my yesterdays questions so much as to why I am friends with people and why it irritates me so much. I guess I just have a strong expectation of freindship, I expect that I would hear from them on a daily or bi daily basis. I guess that is a hard thing to ask, however when you know the people are in contact with others on that regular basis, why are you not good enough. I hate being the first one to always call or text, makes me feel like I am begging for friendship however on the same hand....I dont just want to be texted or called when someone is bored, makes me feel used. I just took a friend some stuff last night, and of course I did not hear from him at all today. I know that I am the only one who really thought of him on his birthday but yes I am rarley thought of. I just am tired of it.

On a cute note my husband is losing so much weight and it shows...hes freaking hot! SUPER sexy!

Still not feeling super fantastic, but we will give it time I guess. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. I dont know I feel better from the symptoms I had, however I feel like other things have arrose and gotten worse if anything.

Got to do some hoemwork that I slacked on this week and I am not feeling to positive about it...but hey got to do what you got to do right :) Only four more weeks of class left ... CRAZY!!!!

OK well tootooolooss!!!!

questioning self....

Good evening,

Not to much going on here, just taking a few minutes to write something in a blog because I need to mabye splurge my fustration and negativity out.

I really question myself and why I get so fusterated with people. I find people very irritating, and have a hard time being friends with people who are making stupid decisions! I get fusterated when they cant make the simple decisions in life that are going to further them, and I dont really think its a matter of opinion because its white or black most of the time. When people make dumb decisions and they do not want to listen, I dont want to have them in my life. I know thats bad. Then I feel bad so I appoligze and have them in my life. Then I regret that because nothings changed. I dont really have time for my husband right now so why should I be focusing on other people. I have people over because I like having gatherings together, but they annoy me and I cant wait to get rid of them. I hate how people come over and they use you, and never do the same for you. When people leave my place is a mess and no one ever offers to help clean up. They never do the same for us... Im not rich but it makes me feel like I am buying my friends and that makes me feel like crap. Tonight I had a friend who was sick, and it was also his birthday. I dont have much money so I bought him a card some clear soda and some chicken noodle soup. WHY? I dont know he never appreciates anythign I get him and well I am disposable to him. No one did anything for me this whole time Ive been sick. B ut then again its not what people do for you its about helping the world. However you can only give so much before your empty if no one gives back. Should I be ok with only Alan in my life though? I never use to think so, but ....

Well I was feeling better though now I dont feel as good, lets hope once I have another antibiotic I will. BLUCK .

Went to a insurance meeting for work and though I was excited before it I was so happy to leave. The guy was a jerk and super sales oriented. Dont give me bull shit answers and make me feel like crap because your talking in circles. SO though I dont feel like he should make any sales I feel like I could use some of it, but then agian I dont know how honest it is so I dont know. JERK. I hate sales people they dont give a shit about you and they only care about making a buck!

I am fusterated with Alans and my wierd schedule and I dont feel like I can ask for any days off, however on the same hand I dont feel like I should make Alan ask for time off, however I also want to be able to do things together and get away. However in the real world that isnt always possible. On the days that I could sleep in, he has to get up early, and on the days I have to get up early, he could sleep in. I DISLIKE It very much. On the nights I get home early he is gone late.....

I know I seem like a big whiney baby today but I kind of am, Im just not in a very good mood.

Til later....

Katie

For real??

Today was a good day but also a day of a lot of fogging.

I went into the dr today and I was excited that after a hassle getting me in they acctually said it was something rather then tell me it was all in my head however after getting the perscription and finding how much it cost even though he said he was going to give me a genaric I about blah! Ne ways when I went in he yelled at me and said I waited to long. I found out that I will never go tot Walgreens for a perscription again because you royaly get robbed! They quoted me 61.?? while Target quoted me 49.?? and even though I hate to admit this ... Walmart quoted me 40.??. Now I hate Walmart but considering I only had 22 to my name for sure I went with walmart with a half a perscription, but normally I would have paid a few dollars more at Target just for better service and not to support the devil. ne ways the sad part was I wanted to get my weight while I was at the Dr. Now know I started this diet almost four weeks ago and at the calories I am eating I should be losing at LEAST 4 pounds a week probably more. Well I guess I knew I weighed more then 430 but I wasnt sure how much. In the back of my head I have been thinkging 450-475. Well I get on the scale thinking I have lost at least 20 but hoping more like fifty. I Know unrealistic but .. I am just so proud of what I have been doing. Scale reads 429. Crushing cause my first goal is 407 and that means its 22 pounds away which means four weeks away. BLAH I just makes you feel like its hopeless, however on the same hand I know I have to keep going so that I dont have to cover these poujnds again. So I know I was at least 450 - crazy. Once upon a time four years ago when i was 420 I said I would NEVER get higher then that...execially once I had lost the 100 pounds. It makes my addiction and issue just that much more deap. I dont knwo anyone who will truley understand ... but I know I have to keep trucking forward.

The less calories hasnt been all that hard... today I think I will end at 1800 so though it is more then the 1600 I aim for... I know I wont gain. Yesterday however though I finished at like 1500 so I suppose it all evens out.

Work was ok today. I got good news that they are going to let me switch what I do on Sundays so that makes me feel better, I really thought I was going to get more hassle about it. I broke the computer yesterday so I was worried that was gonna get blammed on me and I didnt know how that was going to go. Even though I dont think I did it, it happened while I was at work. I guess we will see what they say when it comes back from the repair shop.

I forgot about an assignment two weeks in a row and have a lot of work to do this week and Ive been slacking so much on homework. BLAH I dont know. I cant say I really have an excuse even though I do.. but if the excuse wasnt there I still would be slacking Im sure.

Cant wait to just lounge on the couch tonight when Alan gets home from work though I am sure I will more likely just crash ... which sucks cause its a night that I could just lounge.

We have a manditory meeting tomorrow night for insurance. its kind of interesting though I dont think it will cover much, so I dont know if its worth it, but just about the time you say that... it does become worth something.

Ok til later!

Seriously... LEAVE already!

Good Morning Diary...

Well today is going ok, work seems to be moving faster then I thought and its really been a decent day. I did have a hard time sleeping last night, and woke up feeling really rough this morning. Alan didnt want me to go into work, and wanted me to go into the DR. But I hate DRS cause half of the time they just say oh whatever and you pay them for nothing. I think that if they say there is nothing wrong you shouldnt pay, but then agian if that was the case you would have a lot of people with a lot of un neccessary problems. My nose is pealing and I look strange :) I am going through kleenex and dayquill like nuts. I am drinking too much diet soda, and even though I am sticking close to my calories my feet are swelling like crazy. I thought I was doing so good and now I feel black about the weightloss, but Im not giving up!.

Excited to see that the ones around me are losing, and losing alot rapidly, but I keep questioning myself, am I losing? am I doing as good as them? I should be because I am not fudging, but then again I dont know since I cant weigh myself. Sigh I tell ya. I still wonder how many calories dayquill has in it...

Though I have been staying under my calories I havent been under my goal calories everyday. I dont know I know I will feel better about it all when I am done swelling and blowing my nose :) SO until then Ill just keep trucking.

The other night i was hanging out with a ex boyfriends girlfriend and she made the comment that I could eat alot. Granted it was a day that I splurged (still staying under 2500 calories) but that was wow. Then we were talking about weight loss and shes like yeah I know before you use to weigh 300 something. I was like wow he talks about my weight...that just made me feel wierd. Then shes like yeah I guess your like 450 which is the case so I dont know it was just wierd. Then she was talking about how fat she was, and she was looking at jeans and shes like man Im not that big. Im like seriously dont people get it when they are with someone who is heavier, probably not a good idea to say that. I dont know ....

I have been slacking around the house and with my homework because of the way I have been feeling....I know its a horriable excuse and I feel like I always have an excuse ... Its been an adjustment having Alan working 25 hours aweek and going to school, and myself working 40+ hours and going to school and trying to find time for everything. I need to do better, but its not my ideal situation, and being sick I am even more useless during the free time. My poor husband!

i suppose if I wasnt typing this blog I could do more now :) My goal is to be able to weigh in on my scale and to be able to do that I have to weigh in at 407. When I am able to do that then I will get a pedicure and facial or something. OF course I dont know how far away that is, but i know Alan is only six pounds away from his and Eric is only like five or so ... Im so proud of them!!!!!!

Tonight plan to do some grocery shopping and tomorrow night I think we are having games at our place with some friends. I hope I can behave both nights with food, however today Ive already kind of ruined that with a bag of cheatos that was 560 calories and a chick sandwhich from mc donalds. SO puts me at like 1260 calories -- we shall see!

ta ta for now!

Feel like crud .... but on track!

So since I feel like crud I got my one serving of veggies in...loaded up on the onion to try and clear my nose out :) Didnt work for all that long but hey it did taste the little I did get to taste.

I am back on tract calories wise which makes me feel good. When I was leaving for work this morning I really felt that I could be falling off for good. ITs amazing that i was on tract for three weeks, and one day could have lead to several weeks off. I mean even as work was ending I was thining of fast food. I dont know if its the sickness or if its just because I feel off a day. BUT Im on track and excited to start another three weeks of goodness :)

I am thinking of skipping school tomorrow so I can try and get better, but then again I dont want to screw up my grades and I dont want to ruin my perfect attendence. PLUS I dont want to risk their being bad weather over the next five weeks and missing another class. So I am majorly torn. I know if my husband has a say he wont let me go. Getting sicker however will not do me any good. B LAH I hate these decisions. I dont even know if its class that is the tricky part I think its more the three hours of driving when I am on dayquil and feeling like crap. Might just have to be a last minute decision.

Well I uppose I should get some homework done.....

Fell off

So today started out to be a rough day and I failed at takeing control. I fell off and ate approx 3100 calories and I have been eating 1600 lately. I definetly didnt enjoy it, and felt even worse afterwords. The only thing that I can say is that supposivly I need to eat about 3060 a day in order to main tain my weight so I am happy I am stopping there and I can start over tommorrow!!!

Not feeling so good today.... have a cold and should get some dayquil!

Take care be good!

Tired and SOOO excited for a full nights sleep!

Today's is another day chalking up as on track! WHOOOHOO I am so excited. I love it! Though I think I am eating to many sweets, and probably should limit them but but but but they are the easiest to count and they taste so good too!

Very excited that I dont have to get up until 7 tomorrow and that means I can probably get to bed by 11 and get a full nights sleep! I love it. Last night I think I got seven hours and that pshyced me this morning... must mean I am getting use to it.

Missed an assignment in one of my classes....one that has had the same deadline every week since we started so I am a bit upset at myself that work has gotten more of my attention. But I think it was only ten points or so so I guess I just have to deal with it, and hope my other grades will make up for it, and Im sure they will cause this is like my best class.

My mgr talked about kind of agreeing or being ok with me not wanting my driving day. Though she doesnt have the ability to change and said bring it up to the CFO so hopefully that works and there is no bullying about it. It would be nice to have a day off on the weekend, or heck I would even dispatch for the hours just dont make me drive!

I suppose I better go pick Alan up. Im so proud of my men they are doing so good on their diet!!! Alans getting back to his HOT self!!!

Visited a friend who I made amends with tonight. It was good to see him doing better and part of the everyday world. I love that I have control and that no one else does any more. I really hope I can keep it that way, and if it all boils down to the food, thats nuts!!!!

Later!

Busy busy busy....

Dear Diary!

Man life has been busy! BUT busy has helped to keep me out of trouble! Between work, family, school, and dieting I am keeping out of trouble. This weekend there was a big family blow up and instead of eating, I went shopping. I wont say that the thought didnt cross my mind but it was a huge victory that it wasnt really even an option.

Got too involved in work and forgot about some school work so I am not very happy with myself about that. I hzve also neglected my house work, I just feel kind of spread thin, however on the same hand I love it because I love being busy.

There were some changes made to my work schedule that I dont know how I feel about. Its a regular schedule which I like. however they have me driving which I dont want. SUCH is life though. Right now I need the job so I will take it and hope it goes well.

Had pizza the other night from Pizza hut and the pizza mias are like 200 calories a slice. It was great and I am so happy that we are finding foods that we can eat out and eat. For lunch yesterday I had mac and cheese and mashed potatos and gravy at KFC - it was only 300 calories. Its nice because I dont feel limited! Also the tacos we have been having at home have been so good! I love the lettuce and onions and have been limiting the meat and cheese so that its healthier. They are great. I dont know I guess food just tastes better when your not taking it for granted!

I have mended a couple friendships with people I had recently put out of my life. I did it because I couldnt control their lives in making them better before so I figured I wouldnt have them in my life making my life negative. However since I have taken control of my eating I feel more like I can distance peoples problems from my life without them making my life negative. I have a great friendship tot give and I dont want to deprive people of it. :) Not to sound cocky or anything.

We made small weight goals and are going to reward our selves for them when we complete them. Mine is to be able to weigh on our scale and then I will get a pedcure and facial or something. SO lets hop its soon! However I have to relaize that I am sure I have like 40+ to loose from when I started so I cant expect that in three weeks its going to be gone. HOPEFULLY sooner then later though!

Ok dokie well I suppose I better get some more stuff done around the house. Take care!!!

Hungar is lurking.....poor planning!

Thought I would kill some time after I just got done with a test that I bombed. Seems to be the thing lately, MAN I dont know how people go to school full time and work full time and have a family, I could never manage!

Didnt really plan as I never do on a early morning, so my stomach is growling as it doesnt feel real full. ONly a hour and a half until lunch though, so hopefully it will hold off from making me eat my fingers. Though I DO LOVE the feeling of being hungry because when I am off track, I dont feel that. I dont know what hunger is because I am constantly eating, which means I am never hungry, instead I feel pain of constant fullness.

Yesterday we had ruebens for dinner, and they were really good, and acctually not to bad in calories. I love measuring things because you really can have more if you scale back on some ingrediants. I think I acctually ate under my calories last night because I didnt eat the dessert I was going to. I just didnt crave it I guess....and I made the decision that if I didnt want it, there was not point in eating it just to eat it.

Thinking of going to the gym on my way home tonight just to do even ten minutes on the treadmill, I have no reason not to I go right past it on my way home today.....GOTS TO GO!

Looking at my schedule this morning I noticed that I have a lot of early mornings - seems the days of having a day to sleep in are over, which hey wouldnt be bad if I could train myself to get to bed by 9 or 10 each night, Heck if I got to bed by 8 then it would be sleeping in. For the past two months Alan and I have just been doing school and havent been lucky enough to have jobs, so now that we are working differnt shifts - its getting a bit tricky, but it feels good to be achieving things.

The other day in class a girl was wearing this super cute outfit. She probably things Im WIERD because I told her that was one of my inspirations to getting thing. I LOVED that outfit. IT was a pair of black tights, with long brown boots, with a jean short skirt and a black turtle neck. Not that I am interested in women, but I think sometimes I tend to look at them in desires of what I wish I could dress like :)

I read something on someones blog today that they feel they wernt getting jobs because of their weight. It was kind of nice to read that because I can completly relate and sometimes people think I am just making excuses when I say that. ITS TRUE. People are so worried about that image.

Well I suppose class is going to start soon so I should get going. I hope all is well for everyone else!!!

Roller Coaster of emotions....

Well today has been interesting to say the least. My mind has been all over the place and I cant seem to keep one mindset its just a roller coaster of thoughts. Part of me looks in the mirror and says wow Katie your face is so pretty!!!! and cant stop staring and smiling at myself. Part of me says, this has been to easy with the calories so you must be screwing up and eating more - Though I know Ive been good and even if I mess up a calorie or two here and there its not a thousand or two worth. LOL. I can eat like 3200 or so and stay at my current weight and I am eating 1600 calories. I guess it doesnt help that I cant weigh myself. Today my job, was kind of overwhelming, yet rewarding, and of course everything is going so well, but I feel like my bubble is going to be popped soon and its going to go back to the way it was two weeks ago. I went to the gym today.... I dont know if I wanted to but I was just so board I just didnt want to do anything and I wanted to use the hot tub. I pushed myself to do the treadmill for 20 minutes and then a couple free weight machines and ten or twenty minutes in the hot tub doing water exercises. Its not that it wears me out its that I get sooo bored.

Well tomorrow is an early morning and then for some reason I voluntered to do early mornings on Fridays at work. BLAH So I have to be up at 430 on Fridays. I guess I thought it was better then late nights ... Sigh. I dont know I thought I was dispatching, and though after getting a taste of it this morning I was a bit overwhelmed I also do not want to drive in the winter!!!! So needless to say I am not super happy with the situation but until it snows I will not bitch too much...cause its money in the mean time.

Well I suppose need to utilize all the time I can with my husband so I am saying good bye for now. Take care!!!!

Motivated again, but it feels different!

Hello everyone!

Well I am back - I actually came back to the blog by accident but I am glad a light bulb turned on in my head! About two weeks ago when arriving home from a trip we decided we were going to get healthy again! We decided that I would cut my calories back to 2000 a day and Alan back to 1800 a day. We struggled for the first couple days, however caught on quickly. About a week ago we realized that Alan's count needed to be a bit lower, and heck it wouldn't hurt me neither. So we lowered our count to 1600 calories a day. The weird part is -- It hasn't been all that hard for me in the past week or more! I mean I guess I do have spots where of course I have a down moment, and I revert to wanting to "use" to heal the wound however I have not! They say after three weeks it becomes a habit - HA lets hop it works in our case.

The hard part is I don't know how much I weigh. That's the reason I accutally came back to blog spot, because there might just be a chance I could know where I was at previously. Sure enough I was near 440. That would have been my highest weight ever, however I know that I have gone over that. Being that I dont work with that scale anymore, I am out of luck and will just wait until I can weigh on my own scale at 407 - until then I just keep up the faith and keep moving forward to that goal! I cant believe four years ago I had gone down from my highest of 420 to 331 - WHAT was I thinking gaining back 100+ pounds?

I guess it doesn't really matter how I got here, it matters how I am going to make a difference. For the last week I have been drinking only water besides 20 ounces of none water (dt pepsi or dt mt dew) and eating my calories that I have aloted. I really havent felt much hunger, or felt as if I was starving myself, and sooner then later I would like to try and incorperate at least some 1400 and mabye 1200 calorie days into my diet, however right now I think I am fine where I am at and mabye I will wait until the scale starts working for me. I have not included exercise into my diet, though I know that this is neccessary. I have however started both school and a job that is more active (at least in training) and know that eventually over time the excercise will come natural.

Ive already had a couple BIG non scale victories, which definetly help to motivate me! Before I started counting calories my feet were swelling up big time to the point that my toes could not even move. I think it was from being in the car and traveling or sitting with pressure to the back of my thighs - it doesnt really matter why. It would happen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it would take til Sunday or Monday for them to go down, and then start all over again. NO swelling for over a week now! Also it had gotten to the point where my feet once again were in so much pain when I woke up that I could NOT walk on my own. I was using items as a walker, and in tears as I had to use the bathroom. Then after sitting for long periods of time, I was unable to walk due to horriable pain. NOW - its almost eliminated! I am so excited. Honestly the thinness is a big deal, however it is those non scale victories I want more. Those are the things that I can picture, and the items I can grasp. I have never been able to imagine myself thin, and recently its become even harder to see myself even just slightly overweight.

Alan has been a great support! I know he loves me as I am and would be fine if I didnt lose if he knew I didnt risk death. Hes struggling with counting his self, however is starting to understand why it is so difficult and can relate more to my issues. I wont say Im eating healthy, because until I train myself to do that -- it wont happen. I am however watching my portion sizes, measuring when I cook, and limiting what I eat. I think one of the most victorious moments for me... was going to subway. Ok so I had been eating there alot over the past couple weeks but only turkey or ham subs, no cheese, and very light veggies, and lite mayo on the side. My favorite however is the spicey italian - it always has been. Well I realized that I could have a spicy italian for close to what I could have the turkey for if I asked them to put only half the meat. I did it and it was great!

For me I have always felt you had to get the best deal, even when it comes to food - thats why I loved buffets. Man oh man is that a flawed phillosphy when it comes to food and eating out.

Ok enough already.. I will check back often and hope to keep trucking along strong on this journey. Below I am just going to jot some of my NONE scale victories I cant wait for.

Til later!

*For bosses to not discriminate due to my size
*To be able to wear super cute outfits
*To be able to get out and be active - other then calling a night out going out to eat
*To be able to ride on amuzement park rides
*To shop at a normal department store for clothes - save money
*To be able to shave easier
*To be cleaner
*To be a better love maker
*To be able to do more at the gym