Need to be stricter...

Hello...

So Im fusterated with myself because I havent been as strict as I should be with myself. I have been staying in decent calories under 2400 I would say and most days under 2000 and some days at 1800 and considering I need to eat 3500 or more to maintain my calories thats not horriable..however I just want to be strong and stay lower. I guess I am going to give it time. I just know I was doing so good with drinking lots of water, less soda and less food. As long as I am in weightloss mode though I shouldnt complain.

Work is just wierd, I dont ever know what to think about that place, I cant even explain it. The people are of their own, and well if you are not of that then you are of nothing. But its not like they are preps, or have money, or thin, or smart ... they are different, and I dont know. I dont know who I can trust and who is playing me to see what they can get from me.

School work, lots left. Totally fuffing my final I have tomorrow, and I have a paper thats due by the end of the weekend I havent even started on. I dont feel like doing homework and my eyes are killing me after I do normal day activities. I dont mean killing me like pain, just fuzzy blurry difficult. I think next semester will be better when I am at the dorm and I dont have much else to do.... or at least I can pray that happends :)

I miss my husband and I think he is upset at me for being so distant. I have to get better and spend more time with him. So tonight we are going to spend a few minutes together before going to bed, and I hope to get up in time to make french toast, or something special for us. Hes so amazing and I dont want him to think anything differnet. I dont want to ever regret not spending time with him.

Work called me to come in tomorrow for another hour and a half shift. I dont mind...but last week I rushed and felt like I was risking my life...and tomorrow is supoosed to be a storm. Then I learn that my boss has been texting me and knew I thought she was another co worker and didnt say anything. Then when I confronted her and found out she just smiled. Wierd I dont get it. I feel like im in a wacky house or some sort of wierd movie.

Got to get to school and get some stuff printed tomorrow morning before class I know I am going to be so tired! ICK. I dont know how I thought I was going to get this all done in time. I think I am missing time somewhere! I guess if I get off here and get some stuff done then I would have less to worry about in the morning...DUH katie :)

Okie dokie...Later!

Another Catch up Blog....

Good Morning...

OK so I dont know what I have written and what I havent, seems like its taking me longer to get to my blog and well everything else for that matter...so I am going to try and be short and sweet and to the point.

School only has two more weeks left, I am so flipping excited, I have so much to do around my house though I am sure once I dont have school I wll lose that ambition because I would rather just sit and do nothing :) I need to clean, and sort some stuff. I would also like to get my house decorated etc....we shall see.

Work is going ok, its drama filled. I guess I just take it one day at a time and am just excited to have a job. I know how hard it is to find them...so for the moment in time I wont complain. Though I really need to keep it through next sememster so i hope they are nice :)

I did get accepted to a dorm at school...oh yeah that reminds me I have to type a note up for work about my new availablilty. Im not sure that they are going to like it but ... take it or leave it I guess because school has to come first. I am excited about the dorm because I wll only have to drive to LaCrosse once, I will be able to be a part of SHRM and I hope to do better on my homework.

Alan got icky news from the Dr. his liver results are still abnormal. He also has a spot on his lungs that I really feel is just the bronchitis that the dr was to jerky to diagnos, however its suspicious enough that the Dr wants a repeat scan in a couple months. Its scary non the less!

When we went to his Dr. appts though i did find out I was down another three pounds which is nice cause it was after Thanksgiivng. I know Im not losing as fast as I would like however its still going down and though I havent been as good as I should be latly, I havnet been horriable. Next semester though they make you buy a meal plan at the dorm...... which means I will have to eat cafeteria food....which number one calories will be hard to find and two... I am not a huge fan of the healthy stuff from cafeterias...reminds me too much of school food :) ICK.

Got some Xmas shopping done accutally I have gotten quit a bit done, I have just a few more things left. I am excited. I cant wait to get our tree and decorate a little bit.... One of these days!!!


Ok dokie I suppose I should get going I have homework I could be doing.

Take care!

Katie

Back on track....

Well I didnt think that I was going to fall of track with Thanksgiving because I dont like the meal that much. Well I got kind of depressed because I was down on myself - things just wernt working out the way I had planned them to be...more about that later. So of course that ment i ate. LOTS AND LOTS of buns :) Then the next couple days just lead me off track. I am hoping to be back on track today though...Yesterday I dont think I went too far over...but tonights going to be hard. Last night my brother asked me if I wanted any soda or cheetos for work. Well considering that ment I didnt have to get up early I was like awesome. The soda was fine, however he got me a huge bag of cheetos instead of buying just an individual size one. Well there are nine servings...not that I couldnt eat all of them however I shouldnt and because they are there and thats all i have they are an easy target. The day is almost over and I have only eaten about 4 of the nine servings, but ... EEKS. that still is enough to kill :) Tonight we are all going to be home and so I am glad we get to eat as a family. I would hate to have no calories left.

SO Thanksgiving was hard for me - I was so thankful to have my most amazing husband, however I wanted to make him this great meal - a great pie! Needless to say it didnt work and I guess I was just down on myself as a woman. I was down on my body, on my cooking, on my house, on my child bearing abilities. I just - Crushed! I am so blessed to have the worlds greatest husband I just want to be all that he needs me to be.

My mom has kind of ticked me off yet again. I give up. I dont knwo why she feels like she has to hide things from me. I mean I know why, she thinks I will get down on her about them but if shes able to make that distinction then she shouldnt be doing the things in the first place. UGH. I dont know about her these days sometimes I feel like I am her babysitter! I love her and I miss her but I just dont know how shes going to keep going if she keeps wearing herself thin. I guess mabye she doesnt care -I just wish she did care for us kids sake.

Works been nuts this weekend. I am excited to be off of work and heading home, not that I have anything that exciting to do however I just want out of this office and to spend time with my husband.

Well .... I better go so I can get screamed at by a bunch of people who are mad that they havent gotten their taxis yet....

Later....

So I didnt resist....

So this donut was staring me in the face and I couldnt resist, however I did not go over my calories, I think I stayed under 1600 as long as I do not eat anything more, and though I am not hungry I am tempted! UGH.

I was just thinking of something and it kind of irritates my yesterdays questions so much as to why I am friends with people and why it irritates me so much. I guess I just have a strong expectation of freindship, I expect that I would hear from them on a daily or bi daily basis. I guess that is a hard thing to ask, however when you know the people are in contact with others on that regular basis, why are you not good enough. I hate being the first one to always call or text, makes me feel like I am begging for friendship however on the same hand....I dont just want to be texted or called when someone is bored, makes me feel used. I just took a friend some stuff last night, and of course I did not hear from him at all today. I know that I am the only one who really thought of him on his birthday but yes I am rarley thought of. I just am tired of it.

On a cute note my husband is losing so much weight and it shows...hes freaking hot! SUPER sexy!

Still not feeling super fantastic, but we will give it time I guess. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. I dont know I feel better from the symptoms I had, however I feel like other things have arrose and gotten worse if anything.

Got to do some hoemwork that I slacked on this week and I am not feeling to positive about it...but hey got to do what you got to do right :) Only four more weeks of class left ... CRAZY!!!!

OK well tootooolooss!!!!

questioning self....

Good evening,

Not to much going on here, just taking a few minutes to write something in a blog because I need to mabye splurge my fustration and negativity out.

I really question myself and why I get so fusterated with people. I find people very irritating, and have a hard time being friends with people who are making stupid decisions! I get fusterated when they cant make the simple decisions in life that are going to further them, and I dont really think its a matter of opinion because its white or black most of the time. When people make dumb decisions and they do not want to listen, I dont want to have them in my life. I know thats bad. Then I feel bad so I appoligze and have them in my life. Then I regret that because nothings changed. I dont really have time for my husband right now so why should I be focusing on other people. I have people over because I like having gatherings together, but they annoy me and I cant wait to get rid of them. I hate how people come over and they use you, and never do the same for you. When people leave my place is a mess and no one ever offers to help clean up. They never do the same for us... Im not rich but it makes me feel like I am buying my friends and that makes me feel like crap. Tonight I had a friend who was sick, and it was also his birthday. I dont have much money so I bought him a card some clear soda and some chicken noodle soup. WHY? I dont know he never appreciates anythign I get him and well I am disposable to him. No one did anything for me this whole time Ive been sick. B ut then again its not what people do for you its about helping the world. However you can only give so much before your empty if no one gives back. Should I be ok with only Alan in my life though? I never use to think so, but ....

Well I was feeling better though now I dont feel as good, lets hope once I have another antibiotic I will. BLUCK .

Went to a insurance meeting for work and though I was excited before it I was so happy to leave. The guy was a jerk and super sales oriented. Dont give me bull shit answers and make me feel like crap because your talking in circles. SO though I dont feel like he should make any sales I feel like I could use some of it, but then agian I dont know how honest it is so I dont know. JERK. I hate sales people they dont give a shit about you and they only care about making a buck!

I am fusterated with Alans and my wierd schedule and I dont feel like I can ask for any days off, however on the same hand I dont feel like I should make Alan ask for time off, however I also want to be able to do things together and get away. However in the real world that isnt always possible. On the days that I could sleep in, he has to get up early, and on the days I have to get up early, he could sleep in. I DISLIKE It very much. On the nights I get home early he is gone late.....

I know I seem like a big whiney baby today but I kind of am, Im just not in a very good mood.

Til later....

Katie

For real??

Today was a good day but also a day of a lot of fogging.

I went into the dr today and I was excited that after a hassle getting me in they acctually said it was something rather then tell me it was all in my head however after getting the perscription and finding how much it cost even though he said he was going to give me a genaric I about blah! Ne ways when I went in he yelled at me and said I waited to long. I found out that I will never go tot Walgreens for a perscription again because you royaly get robbed! They quoted me 61.?? while Target quoted me 49.?? and even though I hate to admit this ... Walmart quoted me 40.??. Now I hate Walmart but considering I only had 22 to my name for sure I went with walmart with a half a perscription, but normally I would have paid a few dollars more at Target just for better service and not to support the devil. ne ways the sad part was I wanted to get my weight while I was at the Dr. Now know I started this diet almost four weeks ago and at the calories I am eating I should be losing at LEAST 4 pounds a week probably more. Well I guess I knew I weighed more then 430 but I wasnt sure how much. In the back of my head I have been thinkging 450-475. Well I get on the scale thinking I have lost at least 20 but hoping more like fifty. I Know unrealistic but .. I am just so proud of what I have been doing. Scale reads 429. Crushing cause my first goal is 407 and that means its 22 pounds away which means four weeks away. BLAH I just makes you feel like its hopeless, however on the same hand I know I have to keep going so that I dont have to cover these poujnds again. So I know I was at least 450 - crazy. Once upon a time four years ago when i was 420 I said I would NEVER get higher then that...execially once I had lost the 100 pounds. It makes my addiction and issue just that much more deap. I dont knwo anyone who will truley understand ... but I know I have to keep trucking forward.

The less calories hasnt been all that hard... today I think I will end at 1800 so though it is more then the 1600 I aim for... I know I wont gain. Yesterday however though I finished at like 1500 so I suppose it all evens out.

Work was ok today. I got good news that they are going to let me switch what I do on Sundays so that makes me feel better, I really thought I was going to get more hassle about it. I broke the computer yesterday so I was worried that was gonna get blammed on me and I didnt know how that was going to go. Even though I dont think I did it, it happened while I was at work. I guess we will see what they say when it comes back from the repair shop.

I forgot about an assignment two weeks in a row and have a lot of work to do this week and Ive been slacking so much on homework. BLAH I dont know. I cant say I really have an excuse even though I do.. but if the excuse wasnt there I still would be slacking Im sure.

Cant wait to just lounge on the couch tonight when Alan gets home from work though I am sure I will more likely just crash ... which sucks cause its a night that I could just lounge.

We have a manditory meeting tomorrow night for insurance. its kind of interesting though I dont think it will cover much, so I dont know if its worth it, but just about the time you say that... it does become worth something.

Ok til later!

Seriously... LEAVE already!

Good Morning Diary...

Well today is going ok, work seems to be moving faster then I thought and its really been a decent day. I did have a hard time sleeping last night, and woke up feeling really rough this morning. Alan didnt want me to go into work, and wanted me to go into the DR. But I hate DRS cause half of the time they just say oh whatever and you pay them for nothing. I think that if they say there is nothing wrong you shouldnt pay, but then agian if that was the case you would have a lot of people with a lot of un neccessary problems. My nose is pealing and I look strange :) I am going through kleenex and dayquill like nuts. I am drinking too much diet soda, and even though I am sticking close to my calories my feet are swelling like crazy. I thought I was doing so good and now I feel black about the weightloss, but Im not giving up!.

Excited to see that the ones around me are losing, and losing alot rapidly, but I keep questioning myself, am I losing? am I doing as good as them? I should be because I am not fudging, but then again I dont know since I cant weigh myself. Sigh I tell ya. I still wonder how many calories dayquill has in it...

Though I have been staying under my calories I havent been under my goal calories everyday. I dont know I know I will feel better about it all when I am done swelling and blowing my nose :) SO until then Ill just keep trucking.

The other night i was hanging out with a ex boyfriends girlfriend and she made the comment that I could eat alot. Granted it was a day that I splurged (still staying under 2500 calories) but that was wow. Then we were talking about weight loss and shes like yeah I know before you use to weigh 300 something. I was like wow he talks about my weight...that just made me feel wierd. Then shes like yeah I guess your like 450 which is the case so I dont know it was just wierd. Then she was talking about how fat she was, and she was looking at jeans and shes like man Im not that big. Im like seriously dont people get it when they are with someone who is heavier, probably not a good idea to say that. I dont know ....

I have been slacking around the house and with my homework because of the way I have been feeling....I know its a horriable excuse and I feel like I always have an excuse ... Its been an adjustment having Alan working 25 hours aweek and going to school, and myself working 40+ hours and going to school and trying to find time for everything. I need to do better, but its not my ideal situation, and being sick I am even more useless during the free time. My poor husband!

i suppose if I wasnt typing this blog I could do more now :) My goal is to be able to weigh in on my scale and to be able to do that I have to weigh in at 407. When I am able to do that then I will get a pedicure and facial or something. OF course I dont know how far away that is, but i know Alan is only six pounds away from his and Eric is only like five or so ... Im so proud of them!!!!!!

Tonight plan to do some grocery shopping and tomorrow night I think we are having games at our place with some friends. I hope I can behave both nights with food, however today Ive already kind of ruined that with a bag of cheatos that was 560 calories and a chick sandwhich from mc donalds. SO puts me at like 1260 calories -- we shall see!

ta ta for now!