Hello...
So Im fusterated with myself because I havent been as strict as I should be with myself. I have been staying in decent calories under 2400 I would say and most days under 2000 and some days at 1800 and considering I need to eat 3500 or more to maintain my calories thats not horriable..however I just want to be strong and stay lower. I guess I am going to give it time. I just know I was doing so good with drinking lots of water, less soda and less food. As long as I am in weightloss mode though I shouldnt complain.
Work is just wierd, I dont ever know what to think about that place, I cant even explain it. The people are of their own, and well if you are not of that then you are of nothing. But its not like they are preps, or have money, or thin, or smart ... they are different, and I dont know. I dont know who I can trust and who is playing me to see what they can get from me.
School work, lots left. Totally fuffing my final I have tomorrow, and I have a paper thats due by the end of the weekend I havent even started on. I dont feel like doing homework and my eyes are killing me after I do normal day activities. I dont mean killing me like pain, just fuzzy blurry difficult. I think next semester will be better when I am at the dorm and I dont have much else to do.... or at least I can pray that happends :)
I miss my husband and I think he is upset at me for being so distant. I have to get better and spend more time with him. So tonight we are going to spend a few minutes together before going to bed, and I hope to get up in time to make french toast, or something special for us. Hes so amazing and I dont want him to think anything differnet. I dont want to ever regret not spending time with him.
Work called me to come in tomorrow for another hour and a half shift. I dont mind...but last week I rushed and felt like I was risking my life...and tomorrow is supoosed to be a storm. Then I learn that my boss has been texting me and knew I thought she was another co worker and didnt say anything. Then when I confronted her and found out she just smiled. Wierd I dont get it. I feel like im in a wacky house or some sort of wierd movie.
Got to get to school and get some stuff printed tomorrow morning before class I know I am going to be so tired! ICK. I dont know how I thought I was going to get this all done in time. I think I am missing time somewhere! I guess if I get off here and get some stuff done then I would have less to worry about in the morning...DUH katie :)
Okie dokie...Later!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Another Catch up Blog....
Good Morning...
OK so I dont know what I have written and what I havent, seems like its taking me longer to get to my blog and well everything else for that matter...so I am going to try and be short and sweet and to the point.
School only has two more weeks left, I am so flipping excited, I have so much to do around my house though I am sure once I dont have school I wll lose that ambition because I would rather just sit and do nothing :) I need to clean, and sort some stuff. I would also like to get my house decorated etc....we shall see.
Work is going ok, its drama filled. I guess I just take it one day at a time and am just excited to have a job. I know how hard it is to find them...so for the moment in time I wont complain. Though I really need to keep it through next sememster so i hope they are nice :)
I did get accepted to a dorm at school...oh yeah that reminds me I have to type a note up for work about my new availablilty. Im not sure that they are going to like it but ... take it or leave it I guess because school has to come first. I am excited about the dorm because I wll only have to drive to LaCrosse once, I will be able to be a part of SHRM and I hope to do better on my homework.
Alan got icky news from the Dr. his liver results are still abnormal. He also has a spot on his lungs that I really feel is just the bronchitis that the dr was to jerky to diagnos, however its suspicious enough that the Dr wants a repeat scan in a couple months. Its scary non the less!
When we went to his Dr. appts though i did find out I was down another three pounds which is nice cause it was after Thanksgiivng. I know Im not losing as fast as I would like however its still going down and though I havent been as good as I should be latly, I havnet been horriable. Next semester though they make you buy a meal plan at the dorm...... which means I will have to eat cafeteria food....which number one calories will be hard to find and two... I am not a huge fan of the healthy stuff from cafeterias...reminds me too much of school food :) ICK.
Got some Xmas shopping done accutally I have gotten quit a bit done, I have just a few more things left. I am excited. I cant wait to get our tree and decorate a little bit.... One of these days!!!
Ok dokie I suppose I should get going I have homework I could be doing.
Take care!
Katie
OK so I dont know what I have written and what I havent, seems like its taking me longer to get to my blog and well everything else for that matter...so I am going to try and be short and sweet and to the point.
School only has two more weeks left, I am so flipping excited, I have so much to do around my house though I am sure once I dont have school I wll lose that ambition because I would rather just sit and do nothing :) I need to clean, and sort some stuff. I would also like to get my house decorated etc....we shall see.
Work is going ok, its drama filled. I guess I just take it one day at a time and am just excited to have a job. I know how hard it is to find them...so for the moment in time I wont complain. Though I really need to keep it through next sememster so i hope they are nice :)
I did get accepted to a dorm at school...oh yeah that reminds me I have to type a note up for work about my new availablilty. Im not sure that they are going to like it but ... take it or leave it I guess because school has to come first. I am excited about the dorm because I wll only have to drive to LaCrosse once, I will be able to be a part of SHRM and I hope to do better on my homework.
Alan got icky news from the Dr. his liver results are still abnormal. He also has a spot on his lungs that I really feel is just the bronchitis that the dr was to jerky to diagnos, however its suspicious enough that the Dr wants a repeat scan in a couple months. Its scary non the less!
When we went to his Dr. appts though i did find out I was down another three pounds which is nice cause it was after Thanksgiivng. I know Im not losing as fast as I would like however its still going down and though I havent been as good as I should be latly, I havnet been horriable. Next semester though they make you buy a meal plan at the dorm...... which means I will have to eat cafeteria food....which number one calories will be hard to find and two... I am not a huge fan of the healthy stuff from cafeterias...reminds me too much of school food :) ICK.
Got some Xmas shopping done accutally I have gotten quit a bit done, I have just a few more things left. I am excited. I cant wait to get our tree and decorate a little bit.... One of these days!!!
Ok dokie I suppose I should get going I have homework I could be doing.
Take care!
Katie
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Back on track....
Well I didnt think that I was going to fall of track with Thanksgiving because I dont like the meal that much. Well I got kind of depressed because I was down on myself - things just wernt working out the way I had planned them to be...more about that later. So of course that ment i ate. LOTS AND LOTS of buns :) Then the next couple days just lead me off track. I am hoping to be back on track today though...Yesterday I dont think I went too far over...but tonights going to be hard. Last night my brother asked me if I wanted any soda or cheetos for work. Well considering that ment I didnt have to get up early I was like awesome. The soda was fine, however he got me a huge bag of cheetos instead of buying just an individual size one. Well there are nine servings...not that I couldnt eat all of them however I shouldnt and because they are there and thats all i have they are an easy target. The day is almost over and I have only eaten about 4 of the nine servings, but ... EEKS. that still is enough to kill :) Tonight we are all going to be home and so I am glad we get to eat as a family. I would hate to have no calories left.
SO Thanksgiving was hard for me - I was so thankful to have my most amazing husband, however I wanted to make him this great meal - a great pie! Needless to say it didnt work and I guess I was just down on myself as a woman. I was down on my body, on my cooking, on my house, on my child bearing abilities. I just - Crushed! I am so blessed to have the worlds greatest husband I just want to be all that he needs me to be.
My mom has kind of ticked me off yet again. I give up. I dont knwo why she feels like she has to hide things from me. I mean I know why, she thinks I will get down on her about them but if shes able to make that distinction then she shouldnt be doing the things in the first place. UGH. I dont know about her these days sometimes I feel like I am her babysitter! I love her and I miss her but I just dont know how shes going to keep going if she keeps wearing herself thin. I guess mabye she doesnt care -I just wish she did care for us kids sake.
Works been nuts this weekend. I am excited to be off of work and heading home, not that I have anything that exciting to do however I just want out of this office and to spend time with my husband.
Well .... I better go so I can get screamed at by a bunch of people who are mad that they havent gotten their taxis yet....
Later....
SO Thanksgiving was hard for me - I was so thankful to have my most amazing husband, however I wanted to make him this great meal - a great pie! Needless to say it didnt work and I guess I was just down on myself as a woman. I was down on my body, on my cooking, on my house, on my child bearing abilities. I just - Crushed! I am so blessed to have the worlds greatest husband I just want to be all that he needs me to be.
My mom has kind of ticked me off yet again. I give up. I dont knwo why she feels like she has to hide things from me. I mean I know why, she thinks I will get down on her about them but if shes able to make that distinction then she shouldnt be doing the things in the first place. UGH. I dont know about her these days sometimes I feel like I am her babysitter! I love her and I miss her but I just dont know how shes going to keep going if she keeps wearing herself thin. I guess mabye she doesnt care -I just wish she did care for us kids sake.
Works been nuts this weekend. I am excited to be off of work and heading home, not that I have anything that exciting to do however I just want out of this office and to spend time with my husband.
Well .... I better go so I can get screamed at by a bunch of people who are mad that they havent gotten their taxis yet....
Later....
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
So I didnt resist....
So this donut was staring me in the face and I couldnt resist, however I did not go over my calories, I think I stayed under 1600 as long as I do not eat anything more, and though I am not hungry I am tempted! UGH.
I was just thinking of something and it kind of irritates my yesterdays questions so much as to why I am friends with people and why it irritates me so much. I guess I just have a strong expectation of freindship, I expect that I would hear from them on a daily or bi daily basis. I guess that is a hard thing to ask, however when you know the people are in contact with others on that regular basis, why are you not good enough. I hate being the first one to always call or text, makes me feel like I am begging for friendship however on the same hand....I dont just want to be texted or called when someone is bored, makes me feel used. I just took a friend some stuff last night, and of course I did not hear from him at all today. I know that I am the only one who really thought of him on his birthday but yes I am rarley thought of. I just am tired of it.
On a cute note my husband is losing so much weight and it shows...hes freaking hot! SUPER sexy!
Still not feeling super fantastic, but we will give it time I guess. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. I dont know I feel better from the symptoms I had, however I feel like other things have arrose and gotten worse if anything.
Got to do some hoemwork that I slacked on this week and I am not feeling to positive about it...but hey got to do what you got to do right :) Only four more weeks of class left ... CRAZY!!!!
OK well tootooolooss!!!!
I was just thinking of something and it kind of irritates my yesterdays questions so much as to why I am friends with people and why it irritates me so much. I guess I just have a strong expectation of freindship, I expect that I would hear from them on a daily or bi daily basis. I guess that is a hard thing to ask, however when you know the people are in contact with others on that regular basis, why are you not good enough. I hate being the first one to always call or text, makes me feel like I am begging for friendship however on the same hand....I dont just want to be texted or called when someone is bored, makes me feel used. I just took a friend some stuff last night, and of course I did not hear from him at all today. I know that I am the only one who really thought of him on his birthday but yes I am rarley thought of. I just am tired of it.
On a cute note my husband is losing so much weight and it shows...hes freaking hot! SUPER sexy!
Still not feeling super fantastic, but we will give it time I guess. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. I dont know I feel better from the symptoms I had, however I feel like other things have arrose and gotten worse if anything.
Got to do some hoemwork that I slacked on this week and I am not feeling to positive about it...but hey got to do what you got to do right :) Only four more weeks of class left ... CRAZY!!!!
OK well tootooolooss!!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
questioning self....
Good evening,
Not to much going on here, just taking a few minutes to write something in a blog because I need to mabye splurge my fustration and negativity out.
I really question myself and why I get so fusterated with people. I find people very irritating, and have a hard time being friends with people who are making stupid decisions! I get fusterated when they cant make the simple decisions in life that are going to further them, and I dont really think its a matter of opinion because its white or black most of the time. When people make dumb decisions and they do not want to listen, I dont want to have them in my life. I know thats bad. Then I feel bad so I appoligze and have them in my life. Then I regret that because nothings changed. I dont really have time for my husband right now so why should I be focusing on other people. I have people over because I like having gatherings together, but they annoy me and I cant wait to get rid of them. I hate how people come over and they use you, and never do the same for you. When people leave my place is a mess and no one ever offers to help clean up. They never do the same for us... Im not rich but it makes me feel like I am buying my friends and that makes me feel like crap. Tonight I had a friend who was sick, and it was also his birthday. I dont have much money so I bought him a card some clear soda and some chicken noodle soup. WHY? I dont know he never appreciates anythign I get him and well I am disposable to him. No one did anything for me this whole time Ive been sick. B ut then again its not what people do for you its about helping the world. However you can only give so much before your empty if no one gives back. Should I be ok with only Alan in my life though? I never use to think so, but ....
Well I was feeling better though now I dont feel as good, lets hope once I have another antibiotic I will. BLUCK .
Went to a insurance meeting for work and though I was excited before it I was so happy to leave. The guy was a jerk and super sales oriented. Dont give me bull shit answers and make me feel like crap because your talking in circles. SO though I dont feel like he should make any sales I feel like I could use some of it, but then agian I dont know how honest it is so I dont know. JERK. I hate sales people they dont give a shit about you and they only care about making a buck!
I am fusterated with Alans and my wierd schedule and I dont feel like I can ask for any days off, however on the same hand I dont feel like I should make Alan ask for time off, however I also want to be able to do things together and get away. However in the real world that isnt always possible. On the days that I could sleep in, he has to get up early, and on the days I have to get up early, he could sleep in. I DISLIKE It very much. On the nights I get home early he is gone late.....
I know I seem like a big whiney baby today but I kind of am, Im just not in a very good mood.
Til later....
Katie
Not to much going on here, just taking a few minutes to write something in a blog because I need to mabye splurge my fustration and negativity out.
I really question myself and why I get so fusterated with people. I find people very irritating, and have a hard time being friends with people who are making stupid decisions! I get fusterated when they cant make the simple decisions in life that are going to further them, and I dont really think its a matter of opinion because its white or black most of the time. When people make dumb decisions and they do not want to listen, I dont want to have them in my life. I know thats bad. Then I feel bad so I appoligze and have them in my life. Then I regret that because nothings changed. I dont really have time for my husband right now so why should I be focusing on other people. I have people over because I like having gatherings together, but they annoy me and I cant wait to get rid of them. I hate how people come over and they use you, and never do the same for you. When people leave my place is a mess and no one ever offers to help clean up. They never do the same for us... Im not rich but it makes me feel like I am buying my friends and that makes me feel like crap. Tonight I had a friend who was sick, and it was also his birthday. I dont have much money so I bought him a card some clear soda and some chicken noodle soup. WHY? I dont know he never appreciates anythign I get him and well I am disposable to him. No one did anything for me this whole time Ive been sick. B ut then again its not what people do for you its about helping the world. However you can only give so much before your empty if no one gives back. Should I be ok with only Alan in my life though? I never use to think so, but ....
Well I was feeling better though now I dont feel as good, lets hope once I have another antibiotic I will. BLUCK .
Went to a insurance meeting for work and though I was excited before it I was so happy to leave. The guy was a jerk and super sales oriented. Dont give me bull shit answers and make me feel like crap because your talking in circles. SO though I dont feel like he should make any sales I feel like I could use some of it, but then agian I dont know how honest it is so I dont know. JERK. I hate sales people they dont give a shit about you and they only care about making a buck!
I am fusterated with Alans and my wierd schedule and I dont feel like I can ask for any days off, however on the same hand I dont feel like I should make Alan ask for time off, however I also want to be able to do things together and get away. However in the real world that isnt always possible. On the days that I could sleep in, he has to get up early, and on the days I have to get up early, he could sleep in. I DISLIKE It very much. On the nights I get home early he is gone late.....
I know I seem like a big whiney baby today but I kind of am, Im just not in a very good mood.
Til later....
Katie
Monday, November 16, 2009
For real??
Today was a good day but also a day of a lot of fogging.
I went into the dr today and I was excited that after a hassle getting me in they acctually said it was something rather then tell me it was all in my head however after getting the perscription and finding how much it cost even though he said he was going to give me a genaric I about blah! Ne ways when I went in he yelled at me and said I waited to long. I found out that I will never go tot Walgreens for a perscription again because you royaly get robbed! They quoted me 61.?? while Target quoted me 49.?? and even though I hate to admit this ... Walmart quoted me 40.??. Now I hate Walmart but considering I only had 22 to my name for sure I went with walmart with a half a perscription, but normally I would have paid a few dollars more at Target just for better service and not to support the devil. ne ways the sad part was I wanted to get my weight while I was at the Dr. Now know I started this diet almost four weeks ago and at the calories I am eating I should be losing at LEAST 4 pounds a week probably more. Well I guess I knew I weighed more then 430 but I wasnt sure how much. In the back of my head I have been thinkging 450-475. Well I get on the scale thinking I have lost at least 20 but hoping more like fifty. I Know unrealistic but .. I am just so proud of what I have been doing. Scale reads 429. Crushing cause my first goal is 407 and that means its 22 pounds away which means four weeks away. BLAH I just makes you feel like its hopeless, however on the same hand I know I have to keep going so that I dont have to cover these poujnds again. So I know I was at least 450 - crazy. Once upon a time four years ago when i was 420 I said I would NEVER get higher then that...execially once I had lost the 100 pounds. It makes my addiction and issue just that much more deap. I dont knwo anyone who will truley understand ... but I know I have to keep trucking forward.
The less calories hasnt been all that hard... today I think I will end at 1800 so though it is more then the 1600 I aim for... I know I wont gain. Yesterday however though I finished at like 1500 so I suppose it all evens out.
Work was ok today. I got good news that they are going to let me switch what I do on Sundays so that makes me feel better, I really thought I was going to get more hassle about it. I broke the computer yesterday so I was worried that was gonna get blammed on me and I didnt know how that was going to go. Even though I dont think I did it, it happened while I was at work. I guess we will see what they say when it comes back from the repair shop.
I forgot about an assignment two weeks in a row and have a lot of work to do this week and Ive been slacking so much on homework. BLAH I dont know. I cant say I really have an excuse even though I do.. but if the excuse wasnt there I still would be slacking Im sure.
Cant wait to just lounge on the couch tonight when Alan gets home from work though I am sure I will more likely just crash ... which sucks cause its a night that I could just lounge.
We have a manditory meeting tomorrow night for insurance. its kind of interesting though I dont think it will cover much, so I dont know if its worth it, but just about the time you say that... it does become worth something.
Ok til later!
I went into the dr today and I was excited that after a hassle getting me in they acctually said it was something rather then tell me it was all in my head however after getting the perscription and finding how much it cost even though he said he was going to give me a genaric I about blah! Ne ways when I went in he yelled at me and said I waited to long. I found out that I will never go tot Walgreens for a perscription again because you royaly get robbed! They quoted me 61.?? while Target quoted me 49.?? and even though I hate to admit this ... Walmart quoted me 40.??. Now I hate Walmart but considering I only had 22 to my name for sure I went with walmart with a half a perscription, but normally I would have paid a few dollars more at Target just for better service and not to support the devil. ne ways the sad part was I wanted to get my weight while I was at the Dr. Now know I started this diet almost four weeks ago and at the calories I am eating I should be losing at LEAST 4 pounds a week probably more. Well I guess I knew I weighed more then 430 but I wasnt sure how much. In the back of my head I have been thinkging 450-475. Well I get on the scale thinking I have lost at least 20 but hoping more like fifty. I Know unrealistic but .. I am just so proud of what I have been doing. Scale reads 429. Crushing cause my first goal is 407 and that means its 22 pounds away which means four weeks away. BLAH I just makes you feel like its hopeless, however on the same hand I know I have to keep going so that I dont have to cover these poujnds again. So I know I was at least 450 - crazy. Once upon a time four years ago when i was 420 I said I would NEVER get higher then that...execially once I had lost the 100 pounds. It makes my addiction and issue just that much more deap. I dont knwo anyone who will truley understand ... but I know I have to keep trucking forward.
The less calories hasnt been all that hard... today I think I will end at 1800 so though it is more then the 1600 I aim for... I know I wont gain. Yesterday however though I finished at like 1500 so I suppose it all evens out.
Work was ok today. I got good news that they are going to let me switch what I do on Sundays so that makes me feel better, I really thought I was going to get more hassle about it. I broke the computer yesterday so I was worried that was gonna get blammed on me and I didnt know how that was going to go. Even though I dont think I did it, it happened while I was at work. I guess we will see what they say when it comes back from the repair shop.
I forgot about an assignment two weeks in a row and have a lot of work to do this week and Ive been slacking so much on homework. BLAH I dont know. I cant say I really have an excuse even though I do.. but if the excuse wasnt there I still would be slacking Im sure.
Cant wait to just lounge on the couch tonight when Alan gets home from work though I am sure I will more likely just crash ... which sucks cause its a night that I could just lounge.
We have a manditory meeting tomorrow night for insurance. its kind of interesting though I dont think it will cover much, so I dont know if its worth it, but just about the time you say that... it does become worth something.
Ok til later!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Seriously... LEAVE already!
Good Morning Diary...
Well today is going ok, work seems to be moving faster then I thought and its really been a decent day. I did have a hard time sleeping last night, and woke up feeling really rough this morning. Alan didnt want me to go into work, and wanted me to go into the DR. But I hate DRS cause half of the time they just say oh whatever and you pay them for nothing. I think that if they say there is nothing wrong you shouldnt pay, but then agian if that was the case you would have a lot of people with a lot of un neccessary problems. My nose is pealing and I look strange :) I am going through kleenex and dayquill like nuts. I am drinking too much diet soda, and even though I am sticking close to my calories my feet are swelling like crazy. I thought I was doing so good and now I feel black about the weightloss, but Im not giving up!.
Excited to see that the ones around me are losing, and losing alot rapidly, but I keep questioning myself, am I losing? am I doing as good as them? I should be because I am not fudging, but then again I dont know since I cant weigh myself. Sigh I tell ya. I still wonder how many calories dayquill has in it...
Though I have been staying under my calories I havent been under my goal calories everyday. I dont know I know I will feel better about it all when I am done swelling and blowing my nose :) SO until then Ill just keep trucking.
The other night i was hanging out with a ex boyfriends girlfriend and she made the comment that I could eat alot. Granted it was a day that I splurged (still staying under 2500 calories) but that was wow. Then we were talking about weight loss and shes like yeah I know before you use to weigh 300 something. I was like wow he talks about my weight...that just made me feel wierd. Then shes like yeah I guess your like 450 which is the case so I dont know it was just wierd. Then she was talking about how fat she was, and she was looking at jeans and shes like man Im not that big. Im like seriously dont people get it when they are with someone who is heavier, probably not a good idea to say that. I dont know ....
I have been slacking around the house and with my homework because of the way I have been feeling....I know its a horriable excuse and I feel like I always have an excuse ... Its been an adjustment having Alan working 25 hours aweek and going to school, and myself working 40+ hours and going to school and trying to find time for everything. I need to do better, but its not my ideal situation, and being sick I am even more useless during the free time. My poor husband!
i suppose if I wasnt typing this blog I could do more now :) My goal is to be able to weigh in on my scale and to be able to do that I have to weigh in at 407. When I am able to do that then I will get a pedicure and facial or something. OF course I dont know how far away that is, but i know Alan is only six pounds away from his and Eric is only like five or so ... Im so proud of them!!!!!!
Tonight plan to do some grocery shopping and tomorrow night I think we are having games at our place with some friends. I hope I can behave both nights with food, however today Ive already kind of ruined that with a bag of cheatos that was 560 calories and a chick sandwhich from mc donalds. SO puts me at like 1260 calories -- we shall see!
ta ta for now!
Well today is going ok, work seems to be moving faster then I thought and its really been a decent day. I did have a hard time sleeping last night, and woke up feeling really rough this morning. Alan didnt want me to go into work, and wanted me to go into the DR. But I hate DRS cause half of the time they just say oh whatever and you pay them for nothing. I think that if they say there is nothing wrong you shouldnt pay, but then agian if that was the case you would have a lot of people with a lot of un neccessary problems. My nose is pealing and I look strange :) I am going through kleenex and dayquill like nuts. I am drinking too much diet soda, and even though I am sticking close to my calories my feet are swelling like crazy. I thought I was doing so good and now I feel black about the weightloss, but Im not giving up!.
Excited to see that the ones around me are losing, and losing alot rapidly, but I keep questioning myself, am I losing? am I doing as good as them? I should be because I am not fudging, but then again I dont know since I cant weigh myself. Sigh I tell ya. I still wonder how many calories dayquill has in it...
Though I have been staying under my calories I havent been under my goal calories everyday. I dont know I know I will feel better about it all when I am done swelling and blowing my nose :) SO until then Ill just keep trucking.
The other night i was hanging out with a ex boyfriends girlfriend and she made the comment that I could eat alot. Granted it was a day that I splurged (still staying under 2500 calories) but that was wow. Then we were talking about weight loss and shes like yeah I know before you use to weigh 300 something. I was like wow he talks about my weight...that just made me feel wierd. Then shes like yeah I guess your like 450 which is the case so I dont know it was just wierd. Then she was talking about how fat she was, and she was looking at jeans and shes like man Im not that big. Im like seriously dont people get it when they are with someone who is heavier, probably not a good idea to say that. I dont know ....
I have been slacking around the house and with my homework because of the way I have been feeling....I know its a horriable excuse and I feel like I always have an excuse ... Its been an adjustment having Alan working 25 hours aweek and going to school, and myself working 40+ hours and going to school and trying to find time for everything. I need to do better, but its not my ideal situation, and being sick I am even more useless during the free time. My poor husband!
i suppose if I wasnt typing this blog I could do more now :) My goal is to be able to weigh in on my scale and to be able to do that I have to weigh in at 407. When I am able to do that then I will get a pedicure and facial or something. OF course I dont know how far away that is, but i know Alan is only six pounds away from his and Eric is only like five or so ... Im so proud of them!!!!!!
Tonight plan to do some grocery shopping and tomorrow night I think we are having games at our place with some friends. I hope I can behave both nights with food, however today Ive already kind of ruined that with a bag of cheatos that was 560 calories and a chick sandwhich from mc donalds. SO puts me at like 1260 calories -- we shall see!
ta ta for now!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Feel like crud .... but on track!
So since I feel like crud I got my one serving of veggies in...loaded up on the onion to try and clear my nose out :) Didnt work for all that long but hey it did taste the little I did get to taste.
I am back on tract calories wise which makes me feel good. When I was leaving for work this morning I really felt that I could be falling off for good. ITs amazing that i was on tract for three weeks, and one day could have lead to several weeks off. I mean even as work was ending I was thining of fast food. I dont know if its the sickness or if its just because I feel off a day. BUT Im on track and excited to start another three weeks of goodness :)
I am thinking of skipping school tomorrow so I can try and get better, but then again I dont want to screw up my grades and I dont want to ruin my perfect attendence. PLUS I dont want to risk their being bad weather over the next five weeks and missing another class. So I am majorly torn. I know if my husband has a say he wont let me go. Getting sicker however will not do me any good. B LAH I hate these decisions. I dont even know if its class that is the tricky part I think its more the three hours of driving when I am on dayquil and feeling like crap. Might just have to be a last minute decision.
Well I uppose I should get some homework done.....
I am back on tract calories wise which makes me feel good. When I was leaving for work this morning I really felt that I could be falling off for good. ITs amazing that i was on tract for three weeks, and one day could have lead to several weeks off. I mean even as work was ending I was thining of fast food. I dont know if its the sickness or if its just because I feel off a day. BUT Im on track and excited to start another three weeks of goodness :)
I am thinking of skipping school tomorrow so I can try and get better, but then again I dont want to screw up my grades and I dont want to ruin my perfect attendence. PLUS I dont want to risk their being bad weather over the next five weeks and missing another class. So I am majorly torn. I know if my husband has a say he wont let me go. Getting sicker however will not do me any good. B LAH I hate these decisions. I dont even know if its class that is the tricky part I think its more the three hours of driving when I am on dayquil and feeling like crap. Might just have to be a last minute decision.
Well I uppose I should get some homework done.....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Fell off
So today started out to be a rough day and I failed at takeing control. I fell off and ate approx 3100 calories and I have been eating 1600 lately. I definetly didnt enjoy it, and felt even worse afterwords. The only thing that I can say is that supposivly I need to eat about 3060 a day in order to main tain my weight so I am happy I am stopping there and I can start over tommorrow!!!
Not feeling so good today.... have a cold and should get some dayquil!
Take care be good!
Not feeling so good today.... have a cold and should get some dayquil!
Take care be good!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tired and SOOO excited for a full nights sleep!
Today's is another day chalking up as on track! WHOOOHOO I am so excited. I love it! Though I think I am eating to many sweets, and probably should limit them but but but but they are the easiest to count and they taste so good too!
Very excited that I dont have to get up until 7 tomorrow and that means I can probably get to bed by 11 and get a full nights sleep! I love it. Last night I think I got seven hours and that pshyced me this morning... must mean I am getting use to it.
Missed an assignment in one of my classes....one that has had the same deadline every week since we started so I am a bit upset at myself that work has gotten more of my attention. But I think it was only ten points or so so I guess I just have to deal with it, and hope my other grades will make up for it, and Im sure they will cause this is like my best class.
My mgr talked about kind of agreeing or being ok with me not wanting my driving day. Though she doesnt have the ability to change and said bring it up to the CFO so hopefully that works and there is no bullying about it. It would be nice to have a day off on the weekend, or heck I would even dispatch for the hours just dont make me drive!
I suppose I better go pick Alan up. Im so proud of my men they are doing so good on their diet!!! Alans getting back to his HOT self!!!
Visited a friend who I made amends with tonight. It was good to see him doing better and part of the everyday world. I love that I have control and that no one else does any more. I really hope I can keep it that way, and if it all boils down to the food, thats nuts!!!!
Later!
Very excited that I dont have to get up until 7 tomorrow and that means I can probably get to bed by 11 and get a full nights sleep! I love it. Last night I think I got seven hours and that pshyced me this morning... must mean I am getting use to it.
Missed an assignment in one of my classes....one that has had the same deadline every week since we started so I am a bit upset at myself that work has gotten more of my attention. But I think it was only ten points or so so I guess I just have to deal with it, and hope my other grades will make up for it, and Im sure they will cause this is like my best class.
My mgr talked about kind of agreeing or being ok with me not wanting my driving day. Though she doesnt have the ability to change and said bring it up to the CFO so hopefully that works and there is no bullying about it. It would be nice to have a day off on the weekend, or heck I would even dispatch for the hours just dont make me drive!
I suppose I better go pick Alan up. Im so proud of my men they are doing so good on their diet!!! Alans getting back to his HOT self!!!
Visited a friend who I made amends with tonight. It was good to see him doing better and part of the everyday world. I love that I have control and that no one else does any more. I really hope I can keep it that way, and if it all boils down to the food, thats nuts!!!!
Later!
Busy busy busy....
Dear Diary!
Man life has been busy! BUT busy has helped to keep me out of trouble! Between work, family, school, and dieting I am keeping out of trouble. This weekend there was a big family blow up and instead of eating, I went shopping. I wont say that the thought didnt cross my mind but it was a huge victory that it wasnt really even an option.
Got too involved in work and forgot about some school work so I am not very happy with myself about that. I hzve also neglected my house work, I just feel kind of spread thin, however on the same hand I love it because I love being busy.
There were some changes made to my work schedule that I dont know how I feel about. Its a regular schedule which I like. however they have me driving which I dont want. SUCH is life though. Right now I need the job so I will take it and hope it goes well.
Had pizza the other night from Pizza hut and the pizza mias are like 200 calories a slice. It was great and I am so happy that we are finding foods that we can eat out and eat. For lunch yesterday I had mac and cheese and mashed potatos and gravy at KFC - it was only 300 calories. Its nice because I dont feel limited! Also the tacos we have been having at home have been so good! I love the lettuce and onions and have been limiting the meat and cheese so that its healthier. They are great. I dont know I guess food just tastes better when your not taking it for granted!
I have mended a couple friendships with people I had recently put out of my life. I did it because I couldnt control their lives in making them better before so I figured I wouldnt have them in my life making my life negative. However since I have taken control of my eating I feel more like I can distance peoples problems from my life without them making my life negative. I have a great friendship tot give and I dont want to deprive people of it. :) Not to sound cocky or anything.
We made small weight goals and are going to reward our selves for them when we complete them. Mine is to be able to weigh on our scale and then I will get a pedcure and facial or something. SO lets hop its soon! However I have to relaize that I am sure I have like 40+ to loose from when I started so I cant expect that in three weeks its going to be gone. HOPEFULLY sooner then later though!
Ok dokie well I suppose I better get some more stuff done around the house. Take care!!!
Man life has been busy! BUT busy has helped to keep me out of trouble! Between work, family, school, and dieting I am keeping out of trouble. This weekend there was a big family blow up and instead of eating, I went shopping. I wont say that the thought didnt cross my mind but it was a huge victory that it wasnt really even an option.
Got too involved in work and forgot about some school work so I am not very happy with myself about that. I hzve also neglected my house work, I just feel kind of spread thin, however on the same hand I love it because I love being busy.
There were some changes made to my work schedule that I dont know how I feel about. Its a regular schedule which I like. however they have me driving which I dont want. SUCH is life though. Right now I need the job so I will take it and hope it goes well.
Had pizza the other night from Pizza hut and the pizza mias are like 200 calories a slice. It was great and I am so happy that we are finding foods that we can eat out and eat. For lunch yesterday I had mac and cheese and mashed potatos and gravy at KFC - it was only 300 calories. Its nice because I dont feel limited! Also the tacos we have been having at home have been so good! I love the lettuce and onions and have been limiting the meat and cheese so that its healthier. They are great. I dont know I guess food just tastes better when your not taking it for granted!
I have mended a couple friendships with people I had recently put out of my life. I did it because I couldnt control their lives in making them better before so I figured I wouldnt have them in my life making my life negative. However since I have taken control of my eating I feel more like I can distance peoples problems from my life without them making my life negative. I have a great friendship tot give and I dont want to deprive people of it. :) Not to sound cocky or anything.
We made small weight goals and are going to reward our selves for them when we complete them. Mine is to be able to weigh on our scale and then I will get a pedcure and facial or something. SO lets hop its soon! However I have to relaize that I am sure I have like 40+ to loose from when I started so I cant expect that in three weeks its going to be gone. HOPEFULLY sooner then later though!
Ok dokie well I suppose I better get some more stuff done around the house. Take care!!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Hungar is lurking.....poor planning!
Thought I would kill some time after I just got done with a test that I bombed. Seems to be the thing lately, MAN I dont know how people go to school full time and work full time and have a family, I could never manage!
Didnt really plan as I never do on a early morning, so my stomach is growling as it doesnt feel real full. ONly a hour and a half until lunch though, so hopefully it will hold off from making me eat my fingers. Though I DO LOVE the feeling of being hungry because when I am off track, I dont feel that. I dont know what hunger is because I am constantly eating, which means I am never hungry, instead I feel pain of constant fullness.
Yesterday we had ruebens for dinner, and they were really good, and acctually not to bad in calories. I love measuring things because you really can have more if you scale back on some ingrediants. I think I acctually ate under my calories last night because I didnt eat the dessert I was going to. I just didnt crave it I guess....and I made the decision that if I didnt want it, there was not point in eating it just to eat it.
Thinking of going to the gym on my way home tonight just to do even ten minutes on the treadmill, I have no reason not to I go right past it on my way home today.....GOTS TO GO!
Looking at my schedule this morning I noticed that I have a lot of early mornings - seems the days of having a day to sleep in are over, which hey wouldnt be bad if I could train myself to get to bed by 9 or 10 each night, Heck if I got to bed by 8 then it would be sleeping in. For the past two months Alan and I have just been doing school and havent been lucky enough to have jobs, so now that we are working differnt shifts - its getting a bit tricky, but it feels good to be achieving things.
The other day in class a girl was wearing this super cute outfit. She probably things Im WIERD because I told her that was one of my inspirations to getting thing. I LOVED that outfit. IT was a pair of black tights, with long brown boots, with a jean short skirt and a black turtle neck. Not that I am interested in women, but I think sometimes I tend to look at them in desires of what I wish I could dress like :)
I read something on someones blog today that they feel they wernt getting jobs because of their weight. It was kind of nice to read that because I can completly relate and sometimes people think I am just making excuses when I say that. ITS TRUE. People are so worried about that image.
Well I suppose class is going to start soon so I should get going. I hope all is well for everyone else!!!
Didnt really plan as I never do on a early morning, so my stomach is growling as it doesnt feel real full. ONly a hour and a half until lunch though, so hopefully it will hold off from making me eat my fingers. Though I DO LOVE the feeling of being hungry because when I am off track, I dont feel that. I dont know what hunger is because I am constantly eating, which means I am never hungry, instead I feel pain of constant fullness.
Yesterday we had ruebens for dinner, and they were really good, and acctually not to bad in calories. I love measuring things because you really can have more if you scale back on some ingrediants. I think I acctually ate under my calories last night because I didnt eat the dessert I was going to. I just didnt crave it I guess....and I made the decision that if I didnt want it, there was not point in eating it just to eat it.
Thinking of going to the gym on my way home tonight just to do even ten minutes on the treadmill, I have no reason not to I go right past it on my way home today.....GOTS TO GO!
Looking at my schedule this morning I noticed that I have a lot of early mornings - seems the days of having a day to sleep in are over, which hey wouldnt be bad if I could train myself to get to bed by 9 or 10 each night, Heck if I got to bed by 8 then it would be sleeping in. For the past two months Alan and I have just been doing school and havent been lucky enough to have jobs, so now that we are working differnt shifts - its getting a bit tricky, but it feels good to be achieving things.
The other day in class a girl was wearing this super cute outfit. She probably things Im WIERD because I told her that was one of my inspirations to getting thing. I LOVED that outfit. IT was a pair of black tights, with long brown boots, with a jean short skirt and a black turtle neck. Not that I am interested in women, but I think sometimes I tend to look at them in desires of what I wish I could dress like :)
I read something on someones blog today that they feel they wernt getting jobs because of their weight. It was kind of nice to read that because I can completly relate and sometimes people think I am just making excuses when I say that. ITS TRUE. People are so worried about that image.
Well I suppose class is going to start soon so I should get going. I hope all is well for everyone else!!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Roller Coaster of emotions....
Well today has been interesting to say the least. My mind has been all over the place and I cant seem to keep one mindset its just a roller coaster of thoughts. Part of me looks in the mirror and says wow Katie your face is so pretty!!!! and cant stop staring and smiling at myself. Part of me says, this has been to easy with the calories so you must be screwing up and eating more - Though I know Ive been good and even if I mess up a calorie or two here and there its not a thousand or two worth. LOL. I can eat like 3200 or so and stay at my current weight and I am eating 1600 calories. I guess it doesnt help that I cant weigh myself. Today my job, was kind of overwhelming, yet rewarding, and of course everything is going so well, but I feel like my bubble is going to be popped soon and its going to go back to the way it was two weeks ago. I went to the gym today.... I dont know if I wanted to but I was just so board I just didnt want to do anything and I wanted to use the hot tub. I pushed myself to do the treadmill for 20 minutes and then a couple free weight machines and ten or twenty minutes in the hot tub doing water exercises. Its not that it wears me out its that I get sooo bored.
Well tomorrow is an early morning and then for some reason I voluntered to do early mornings on Fridays at work. BLAH So I have to be up at 430 on Fridays. I guess I thought it was better then late nights ... Sigh. I dont know I thought I was dispatching, and though after getting a taste of it this morning I was a bit overwhelmed I also do not want to drive in the winter!!!! So needless to say I am not super happy with the situation but until it snows I will not bitch too much...cause its money in the mean time.
Well I suppose need to utilize all the time I can with my husband so I am saying good bye for now. Take care!!!!
Well tomorrow is an early morning and then for some reason I voluntered to do early mornings on Fridays at work. BLAH So I have to be up at 430 on Fridays. I guess I thought it was better then late nights ... Sigh. I dont know I thought I was dispatching, and though after getting a taste of it this morning I was a bit overwhelmed I also do not want to drive in the winter!!!! So needless to say I am not super happy with the situation but until it snows I will not bitch too much...cause its money in the mean time.
Well I suppose need to utilize all the time I can with my husband so I am saying good bye for now. Take care!!!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Motivated again, but it feels different!
Hello everyone!
Well I am back - I actually came back to the blog by accident but I am glad a light bulb turned on in my head! About two weeks ago when arriving home from a trip we decided we were going to get healthy again! We decided that I would cut my calories back to 2000 a day and Alan back to 1800 a day. We struggled for the first couple days, however caught on quickly. About a week ago we realized that Alan's count needed to be a bit lower, and heck it wouldn't hurt me neither. So we lowered our count to 1600 calories a day. The weird part is -- It hasn't been all that hard for me in the past week or more! I mean I guess I do have spots where of course I have a down moment, and I revert to wanting to "use" to heal the wound however I have not! They say after three weeks it becomes a habit - HA lets hop it works in our case.
The hard part is I don't know how much I weigh. That's the reason I accutally came back to blog spot, because there might just be a chance I could know where I was at previously. Sure enough I was near 440. That would have been my highest weight ever, however I know that I have gone over that. Being that I dont work with that scale anymore, I am out of luck and will just wait until I can weigh on my own scale at 407 - until then I just keep up the faith and keep moving forward to that goal! I cant believe four years ago I had gone down from my highest of 420 to 331 - WHAT was I thinking gaining back 100+ pounds?
I guess it doesn't really matter how I got here, it matters how I am going to make a difference. For the last week I have been drinking only water besides 20 ounces of none water (dt pepsi or dt mt dew) and eating my calories that I have aloted. I really havent felt much hunger, or felt as if I was starving myself, and sooner then later I would like to try and incorperate at least some 1400 and mabye 1200 calorie days into my diet, however right now I think I am fine where I am at and mabye I will wait until the scale starts working for me. I have not included exercise into my diet, though I know that this is neccessary. I have however started both school and a job that is more active (at least in training) and know that eventually over time the excercise will come natural.
Ive already had a couple BIG non scale victories, which definetly help to motivate me! Before I started counting calories my feet were swelling up big time to the point that my toes could not even move. I think it was from being in the car and traveling or sitting with pressure to the back of my thighs - it doesnt really matter why. It would happen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it would take til Sunday or Monday for them to go down, and then start all over again. NO swelling for over a week now! Also it had gotten to the point where my feet once again were in so much pain when I woke up that I could NOT walk on my own. I was using items as a walker, and in tears as I had to use the bathroom. Then after sitting for long periods of time, I was unable to walk due to horriable pain. NOW - its almost eliminated! I am so excited. Honestly the thinness is a big deal, however it is those non scale victories I want more. Those are the things that I can picture, and the items I can grasp. I have never been able to imagine myself thin, and recently its become even harder to see myself even just slightly overweight.
Alan has been a great support! I know he loves me as I am and would be fine if I didnt lose if he knew I didnt risk death. Hes struggling with counting his self, however is starting to understand why it is so difficult and can relate more to my issues. I wont say Im eating healthy, because until I train myself to do that -- it wont happen. I am however watching my portion sizes, measuring when I cook, and limiting what I eat. I think one of the most victorious moments for me... was going to subway. Ok so I had been eating there alot over the past couple weeks but only turkey or ham subs, no cheese, and very light veggies, and lite mayo on the side. My favorite however is the spicey italian - it always has been. Well I realized that I could have a spicy italian for close to what I could have the turkey for if I asked them to put only half the meat. I did it and it was great!
For me I have always felt you had to get the best deal, even when it comes to food - thats why I loved buffets. Man oh man is that a flawed phillosphy when it comes to food and eating out.
Ok enough already.. I will check back often and hope to keep trucking along strong on this journey. Below I am just going to jot some of my NONE scale victories I cant wait for.
Til later!
*For bosses to not discriminate due to my size
*To be able to wear super cute outfits
*To be able to get out and be active - other then calling a night out going out to eat
*To be able to ride on amuzement park rides
*To shop at a normal department store for clothes - save money
*To be able to shave easier
*To be cleaner
*To be a better love maker
*To be able to do more at the gym
Well I am back - I actually came back to the blog by accident but I am glad a light bulb turned on in my head! About two weeks ago when arriving home from a trip we decided we were going to get healthy again! We decided that I would cut my calories back to 2000 a day and Alan back to 1800 a day. We struggled for the first couple days, however caught on quickly. About a week ago we realized that Alan's count needed to be a bit lower, and heck it wouldn't hurt me neither. So we lowered our count to 1600 calories a day. The weird part is -- It hasn't been all that hard for me in the past week or more! I mean I guess I do have spots where of course I have a down moment, and I revert to wanting to "use" to heal the wound however I have not! They say after three weeks it becomes a habit - HA lets hop it works in our case.
The hard part is I don't know how much I weigh. That's the reason I accutally came back to blog spot, because there might just be a chance I could know where I was at previously. Sure enough I was near 440. That would have been my highest weight ever, however I know that I have gone over that. Being that I dont work with that scale anymore, I am out of luck and will just wait until I can weigh on my own scale at 407 - until then I just keep up the faith and keep moving forward to that goal! I cant believe four years ago I had gone down from my highest of 420 to 331 - WHAT was I thinking gaining back 100+ pounds?
I guess it doesn't really matter how I got here, it matters how I am going to make a difference. For the last week I have been drinking only water besides 20 ounces of none water (dt pepsi or dt mt dew) and eating my calories that I have aloted. I really havent felt much hunger, or felt as if I was starving myself, and sooner then later I would like to try and incorperate at least some 1400 and mabye 1200 calorie days into my diet, however right now I think I am fine where I am at and mabye I will wait until the scale starts working for me. I have not included exercise into my diet, though I know that this is neccessary. I have however started both school and a job that is more active (at least in training) and know that eventually over time the excercise will come natural.
Ive already had a couple BIG non scale victories, which definetly help to motivate me! Before I started counting calories my feet were swelling up big time to the point that my toes could not even move. I think it was from being in the car and traveling or sitting with pressure to the back of my thighs - it doesnt really matter why. It would happen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it would take til Sunday or Monday for them to go down, and then start all over again. NO swelling for over a week now! Also it had gotten to the point where my feet once again were in so much pain when I woke up that I could NOT walk on my own. I was using items as a walker, and in tears as I had to use the bathroom. Then after sitting for long periods of time, I was unable to walk due to horriable pain. NOW - its almost eliminated! I am so excited. Honestly the thinness is a big deal, however it is those non scale victories I want more. Those are the things that I can picture, and the items I can grasp. I have never been able to imagine myself thin, and recently its become even harder to see myself even just slightly overweight.
Alan has been a great support! I know he loves me as I am and would be fine if I didnt lose if he knew I didnt risk death. Hes struggling with counting his self, however is starting to understand why it is so difficult and can relate more to my issues. I wont say Im eating healthy, because until I train myself to do that -- it wont happen. I am however watching my portion sizes, measuring when I cook, and limiting what I eat. I think one of the most victorious moments for me... was going to subway. Ok so I had been eating there alot over the past couple weeks but only turkey or ham subs, no cheese, and very light veggies, and lite mayo on the side. My favorite however is the spicey italian - it always has been. Well I realized that I could have a spicy italian for close to what I could have the turkey for if I asked them to put only half the meat. I did it and it was great!
For me I have always felt you had to get the best deal, even when it comes to food - thats why I loved buffets. Man oh man is that a flawed phillosphy when it comes to food and eating out.
Ok enough already.. I will check back often and hope to keep trucking along strong on this journey. Below I am just going to jot some of my NONE scale victories I cant wait for.
Til later!
*For bosses to not discriminate due to my size
*To be able to wear super cute outfits
*To be able to get out and be active - other then calling a night out going out to eat
*To be able to ride on amuzement park rides
*To shop at a normal department store for clothes - save money
*To be able to shave easier
*To be cleaner
*To be a better love maker
*To be able to do more at the gym
Sunday, August 9, 2009
rough day....
Hello,
I almost feel guilty writing in this and leaving it all for you to read because I dont want anyone to leave with a negative feeling, however on the same hand, I guess the reason why I opened this is so that I would have the ability to share my feelings and thoughts and even if no one reads it feel as if I am able to vent.
It is 11.45 pm and I am half way through my shift - its a great feeling and I am so excited to go home and sleep :) Been a long day as we were in Green Bay this morning and got up early, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right? Work has been iffy today. It started off with someone asking me if I would work for them over Labor Day. I felt like I had to be honest and let her know that I didnt know if I was going to be here. I hate to say yes and not be here, but then again its not like me to say no. I was told a couple times that I just havnt given it enough time and I need to suck it up for a while. HOWEVER I did have a guard who muttered something about the same group of people who I have a problem with. I kind of caught him saying it and we had a discussion. It was good to hear someone feel as strongly as I do about it. Really made me feel like I wasnt just being too sensative. I also had a lady email me tonight who works in another department and tell me just how excited she is that I am working here and how great I am. I wasnt going to tell her that I was leaving ... (man it takes stuff a long time to get around here.... WEIRD) but after a couple emails I felt like I had to tell her. I dont know what I am going to do about employment yet, but I hope God knows :)
I talked to my boss the other day and explained to her how I was feeling. She did compliment me which was nice and said they didnt want to loose me but also acknowledge that she might not be able to help me. The one possiblity she said would double my hours, but cut my pay in half. OUCH that hurts. I guess we will see what happends.
So this weekend I was really excited that I had overcome the loss of losing my family. As in family I mean my mom and brother. Really growing up that is all I had. I had no friends, and they were the only two people I really saw and of course we were very close. Its been a hard process, however its been a process that has mainly taken care of itself. I cant make myself in to the person they want me to be and I cant seem to find middle ground and not be hurt doing so. SO I have just been letting them go to whatever makes the happier. Well today we took my step brother to the hospital to see his grandfather who was ill and my parents ended up being there. I knew it was going to be wierd as I havnt really had a conversation with my mom in months. Well she tried, and of course I felt that little bit of longing which made me try to. Then it fetched into how she could not pick sides between me and my brother ... and I lost it. I know she cant pick sides, but dont tell me there is two sides to every story when you know what I am saying is very true and accurate. Im steping in and taking her spot as a mother role for him, and well she would rather be his best friend. Then she said she has stopped calling me because I dont answer sometimes and she feels like she is bothering me. I was like.>>>WELCOME to the club! This is why I dont call her anymore. I ended up walking away because I knew we were not going to get anywhere. I love her, I love my brother but they both have made me hate myself very much, the situation has caused me to want to be a loaner. I am sick of people and I am sick of being rejected. I have been rejected most of my life, and when it comes from family it is kind of the final straw.
All I can say is I am so blessed to have Alan in my life, because besides him I really have no one. I know that is not a healthy but honestly that is all I feel I have right now. I struggle on a regular basis .. I hate my physical apperance, I hate my physical abilities, and Ive come to realize there must be something wrong with my personality that others dont want to be around me.
Ok so just was kind of mean to Alan. Im telling you my food addiction is bad! Its like an alchoholic when you tell him he cant have alch or you tell him he can have water and not alch. I flip out, I so want to hide whatever I am feeling with food, that if I cant have it, and cant have what I want when I want of food I flip. I have serious issues with food. I feel horriable for putting Alan through all of this. Hes an amazing man for wanting to help, and putting up with so much but at my weight, there are somethings I can do, he does them, there are the moody moments, he puts up with them, there are the emotional flaires that come with it...he endures them.
Ok I know this has been a lot of ramble but I am so lost in the issues.
On the other hand, I know just how blessed I am to have my husband. I am blessed to have a job, and be able to go to school. I am blessed to have an amazing God that I can call on and talk to and have faith in. I have an adorable dog, who is near to my heart, and soon to have a new kitten. I have a huge heart, and know that I touch peoples lives... I have some friends who have stood by me even if they arnt as close as I would like. I have a nice apartment and food on the table. Im very blessed, so please dont think I take any of that for granted!
I almost feel guilty writing in this and leaving it all for you to read because I dont want anyone to leave with a negative feeling, however on the same hand, I guess the reason why I opened this is so that I would have the ability to share my feelings and thoughts and even if no one reads it feel as if I am able to vent.
It is 11.45 pm and I am half way through my shift - its a great feeling and I am so excited to go home and sleep :) Been a long day as we were in Green Bay this morning and got up early, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right? Work has been iffy today. It started off with someone asking me if I would work for them over Labor Day. I felt like I had to be honest and let her know that I didnt know if I was going to be here. I hate to say yes and not be here, but then again its not like me to say no. I was told a couple times that I just havnt given it enough time and I need to suck it up for a while. HOWEVER I did have a guard who muttered something about the same group of people who I have a problem with. I kind of caught him saying it and we had a discussion. It was good to hear someone feel as strongly as I do about it. Really made me feel like I wasnt just being too sensative. I also had a lady email me tonight who works in another department and tell me just how excited she is that I am working here and how great I am. I wasnt going to tell her that I was leaving ... (man it takes stuff a long time to get around here.... WEIRD) but after a couple emails I felt like I had to tell her. I dont know what I am going to do about employment yet, but I hope God knows :)
I talked to my boss the other day and explained to her how I was feeling. She did compliment me which was nice and said they didnt want to loose me but also acknowledge that she might not be able to help me. The one possiblity she said would double my hours, but cut my pay in half. OUCH that hurts. I guess we will see what happends.
So this weekend I was really excited that I had overcome the loss of losing my family. As in family I mean my mom and brother. Really growing up that is all I had. I had no friends, and they were the only two people I really saw and of course we were very close. Its been a hard process, however its been a process that has mainly taken care of itself. I cant make myself in to the person they want me to be and I cant seem to find middle ground and not be hurt doing so. SO I have just been letting them go to whatever makes the happier. Well today we took my step brother to the hospital to see his grandfather who was ill and my parents ended up being there. I knew it was going to be wierd as I havnt really had a conversation with my mom in months. Well she tried, and of course I felt that little bit of longing which made me try to. Then it fetched into how she could not pick sides between me and my brother ... and I lost it. I know she cant pick sides, but dont tell me there is two sides to every story when you know what I am saying is very true and accurate. Im steping in and taking her spot as a mother role for him, and well she would rather be his best friend. Then she said she has stopped calling me because I dont answer sometimes and she feels like she is bothering me. I was like.>>>WELCOME to the club! This is why I dont call her anymore. I ended up walking away because I knew we were not going to get anywhere. I love her, I love my brother but they both have made me hate myself very much, the situation has caused me to want to be a loaner. I am sick of people and I am sick of being rejected. I have been rejected most of my life, and when it comes from family it is kind of the final straw.
All I can say is I am so blessed to have Alan in my life, because besides him I really have no one. I know that is not a healthy but honestly that is all I feel I have right now. I struggle on a regular basis .. I hate my physical apperance, I hate my physical abilities, and Ive come to realize there must be something wrong with my personality that others dont want to be around me.
Ok so just was kind of mean to Alan. Im telling you my food addiction is bad! Its like an alchoholic when you tell him he cant have alch or you tell him he can have water and not alch. I flip out, I so want to hide whatever I am feeling with food, that if I cant have it, and cant have what I want when I want of food I flip. I have serious issues with food. I feel horriable for putting Alan through all of this. Hes an amazing man for wanting to help, and putting up with so much but at my weight, there are somethings I can do, he does them, there are the moody moments, he puts up with them, there are the emotional flaires that come with it...he endures them.
Ok I know this has been a lot of ramble but I am so lost in the issues.
On the other hand, I know just how blessed I am to have my husband. I am blessed to have a job, and be able to go to school. I am blessed to have an amazing God that I can call on and talk to and have faith in. I have an adorable dog, who is near to my heart, and soon to have a new kitten. I have a huge heart, and know that I touch peoples lives... I have some friends who have stood by me even if they arnt as close as I would like. I have a nice apartment and food on the table. Im very blessed, so please dont think I take any of that for granted!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Smiles....
Its amazing how easy it is to smile when you have someone so great in your life. I dont know what it is but I have claimed to be in love many times in my life. However I am truly content with life, which allows me to focus on other things, such as my faith and myself. I know it shouldnt be this way, however I was in a rut where all I was focusing on was finding that amazing someone. Thank God ... he was right there!
Tonight I came to work and hoped on the scale. 431 pounds which is up from the 427 which was my lowest in the past couple weeks, however it is steady from early this week and still down from my first weigh in at 440 pounds. This makes me very excited, and I was able to get back on track...which is a good thing.
Work has been better then I thought tonight which is a good thing. I still dont know what the future holds but thats one of the crazy parts, Im not super nervous about it. Maybe I should be a bit more, but I think knowing that I have God and Alan ... my life doesnt seem to be shaken by these small things :)
I get off of work at 730 and I plan to sleep until about 2 - then gonna get up and do some more job searching, and maybe some cleaning around the house. Big Brother is on and Real World - of course the DVR will get good use. Will need to do some laundry and back and Friday morning we are off to Green Bay.
Very excited about GreenBay however this will leave temptations for going off of the diet, but I think as long as I look at serving size I should be ok. I know I am going to be retaining water because one of the things I am most excited for is a Gyro :) NUMMY..havnet had a real one since the last time I was there.
Alan has been amazingly strong that I feel pretty guilty. He had a run in with his boss a couple weeks ago and some of his other coworkers had told her he was not doing his job. They treated him pretty rotten and said they were giving him two weeks. He stated that he did nothing wrong, and I believe him, expecially since one of the things they said was he was not starting work until 30 minutes late...and Im the one that drops him off...so I know hes there. Ne ways I would have just left....I would have said F this. He didnt. He went and from the looks of it, they are giving him more hours so they havent fired him yet. Plus he puts up with it even though hes still catching people trying to get him in trouble. Then I am calling in sick because I cant stand my job. Hes sooooo amazing!
School starts in a few weeks and I am so excited. I really hope I disapline myself a bit better this semester and finally finish something. I am so tired of my past, starting things and never finishing them. I am better then that and I need to prove that to myself.
Ive had some female issues this week and Alan has taken SUCH good care of you. Doing some things that he doesnt need too and most men would be like..>EWWWWW.
I fall in love more and more everday.
Made a tater tot casserole today for the first time. SO simple but its kind of a simple victory for me as I am exploring the kitchen a bit more and I LOVE cooking. I have never really eaten it before because of the way people eat it and I didnt think I would eat my own. IT was GOOD! I am so loving the cooking at home and having more time to bake and clean!
Well I suppose I am going to head out for a little bit. I have a few lists I would like to post for myself so I might be back later.
Tonight I came to work and hoped on the scale. 431 pounds which is up from the 427 which was my lowest in the past couple weeks, however it is steady from early this week and still down from my first weigh in at 440 pounds. This makes me very excited, and I was able to get back on track...which is a good thing.
Work has been better then I thought tonight which is a good thing. I still dont know what the future holds but thats one of the crazy parts, Im not super nervous about it. Maybe I should be a bit more, but I think knowing that I have God and Alan ... my life doesnt seem to be shaken by these small things :)
I get off of work at 730 and I plan to sleep until about 2 - then gonna get up and do some more job searching, and maybe some cleaning around the house. Big Brother is on and Real World - of course the DVR will get good use. Will need to do some laundry and back and Friday morning we are off to Green Bay.
Very excited about GreenBay however this will leave temptations for going off of the diet, but I think as long as I look at serving size I should be ok. I know I am going to be retaining water because one of the things I am most excited for is a Gyro :) NUMMY..havnet had a real one since the last time I was there.
Alan has been amazingly strong that I feel pretty guilty. He had a run in with his boss a couple weeks ago and some of his other coworkers had told her he was not doing his job. They treated him pretty rotten and said they were giving him two weeks. He stated that he did nothing wrong, and I believe him, expecially since one of the things they said was he was not starting work until 30 minutes late...and Im the one that drops him off...so I know hes there. Ne ways I would have just left....I would have said F this. He didnt. He went and from the looks of it, they are giving him more hours so they havent fired him yet. Plus he puts up with it even though hes still catching people trying to get him in trouble. Then I am calling in sick because I cant stand my job. Hes sooooo amazing!
School starts in a few weeks and I am so excited. I really hope I disapline myself a bit better this semester and finally finish something. I am so tired of my past, starting things and never finishing them. I am better then that and I need to prove that to myself.
Ive had some female issues this week and Alan has taken SUCH good care of you. Doing some things that he doesnt need too and most men would be like..>EWWWWW.
I fall in love more and more everday.
Made a tater tot casserole today for the first time. SO simple but its kind of a simple victory for me as I am exploring the kitchen a bit more and I LOVE cooking. I have never really eaten it before because of the way people eat it and I didnt think I would eat my own. IT was GOOD! I am so loving the cooking at home and having more time to bake and clean!
Well I suppose I am going to head out for a little bit. I have a few lists I would like to post for myself so I might be back later.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It is sad...
when the reason you are most excited to go to work is to see how much you have gained on a scale. I know the last week has not been good for me food wise. Im getting back on track tomorrow and cant wait to see where I am at weight wise.
I talked to my boss at the temp agency and let her know that I didnt thing this position was a good one for me and that I had to resign. She asked for a two week notice which Im not a huge fan of as this is why you work temp...and if they didnt like me they wouldnt give me a notice...but such is life right. If Im not good then why would you want me there, however I guess I am a body. Lets just hope I dont blow up on someone in the mean time.
So I am going to keep it short and sweet today....Ill be back though! AND I am on track tomorrow!!!!
I talked to my boss at the temp agency and let her know that I didnt thing this position was a good one for me and that I had to resign. She asked for a two week notice which Im not a huge fan of as this is why you work temp...and if they didnt like me they wouldnt give me a notice...but such is life right. If Im not good then why would you want me there, however I guess I am a body. Lets just hope I dont blow up on someone in the mean time.
So I am going to keep it short and sweet today....Ill be back though! AND I am on track tomorrow!!!!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Very irritated with myself.....
Good Morning....
So last night I ate WAY TOO MUCH. Like I just was stupid with portion. I hat probably twice what I should have for meatloaf and definetly twice what I should have for dumplings!
Today I come weigh myself at work - before I had ate or drank - Im up 3-4 pounds. I am sooo angry at myself. I am so ashamed. This is the one part that I hate dieting with people. I know when I get home my brother is going to ask me how I did. Honestly ... I am going to tell him I didnt weigh in. Hes just so competative and as it is I hide what I eat from him. I know I shouldnt have to...but I do. I guess thats part of the addiction.
On the plus side of things, those damn snacks that they had left are now gone so I dont have to worry about eating those any longer! And I have learned my lesson I am going to tell people not to leave stuff - TAKE IT! I know I just have to look at this gain and move forward!
Today is a new day!
I had a granola bar and water for breakfast, granola bar and water for my first break, meat loaf for my lunch break, and chips and a diet soda for my last break. The bad part is I dont get off of work to eat supper until 930pm and of course have to be to bed by 1130 -- Which ruins my two hour rule.
Went to Oprahs site yesterday looking to see where she recorded cause we are looking for stuff to do in Chicago. Ne ways while I was at her site, she is looking for people who need to lose more then 100 pounds. So I wrote my story - I know I probably am not interesting enough, however I would like to see the show when she has it on. I guess I need to start DVRing her :)
I suppose I should get back to work - 12.5 hours and only down 1.5 hours. BOOOOO!
So last night I ate WAY TOO MUCH. Like I just was stupid with portion. I hat probably twice what I should have for meatloaf and definetly twice what I should have for dumplings!
Today I come weigh myself at work - before I had ate or drank - Im up 3-4 pounds. I am sooo angry at myself. I am so ashamed. This is the one part that I hate dieting with people. I know when I get home my brother is going to ask me how I did. Honestly ... I am going to tell him I didnt weigh in. Hes just so competative and as it is I hide what I eat from him. I know I shouldnt have to...but I do. I guess thats part of the addiction.
On the plus side of things, those damn snacks that they had left are now gone so I dont have to worry about eating those any longer! And I have learned my lesson I am going to tell people not to leave stuff - TAKE IT! I know I just have to look at this gain and move forward!
Today is a new day!
I had a granola bar and water for breakfast, granola bar and water for my first break, meat loaf for my lunch break, and chips and a diet soda for my last break. The bad part is I dont get off of work to eat supper until 930pm and of course have to be to bed by 1130 -- Which ruins my two hour rule.
Went to Oprahs site yesterday looking to see where she recorded cause we are looking for stuff to do in Chicago. Ne ways while I was at her site, she is looking for people who need to lose more then 100 pounds. So I wrote my story - I know I probably am not interesting enough, however I would like to see the show when she has it on. I guess I need to start DVRing her :)
I suppose I should get back to work - 12.5 hours and only down 1.5 hours. BOOOOO!
Friday, July 31, 2009
I remembered today...
So I remembered to post today. Thats great -- but it wasnt a good day food wise.
I woke up and had a granola bar for breakfast knowing I was planning on ordering chinese with a friend of mine from work as it is our last day working together. HOWEVER when I got to work I found out that they really were throwing a suprise pot luck. I probably could have eaten healthy...but yeah... I didnt. I had two sloppy joes, chips and dip, some pasta salad, a couple mini candy bars (more like more then a couple) and a cupcake. Tonight for dinner we are having meat loaf and dumplings...NOT horriable however very good food so I wont be able to skimp on it. :)
Today was a good day at work. I dont know if people really ment it or not but they threw me a party since I was leaving and all made a big deal about how much they were going to miss me. SO that was nice....way more then I was expecting. Then I spoke with my temp rep and she said they are working on making me perm for my half time position already. That was quick lets hope it works out. She also said that I could stil be a canidate for employment through them...which might be where I can get a few more hours. A PLUS!!! Just got to keep praying all goes well.
Alan got the new schedule which he was on. Mabye its a fluke or maybe its a sign that he is still go a job. I dont know. I am still ticked at them for making false acusations, and I think they should appoligize however Alan is so calm and we do need the job so I guess we just pass it under the rug.
Invited my brother and his girlfriend over tonight, Im not sure why. I know he is only going to hurt me down the road and he is only using me. However I cant stop. Mabye thats the next addiction I need to get rid of.
Havent talked to my mom in a couple days, once I come around to her then she starts back to the same old only contacting me once and a while... I have to just let her do what she wants and stop chasing her. It hurts how much my family finds me a bother, or an annoyance. Life goes on though...right.
Well I weigh in tomorrow and we will see how that goes. Im hoping for a kilogram down but I know considering how the week has gone... I shouldnt expect much. Lets just not hope for a gain.
I woke up and had a granola bar for breakfast knowing I was planning on ordering chinese with a friend of mine from work as it is our last day working together. HOWEVER when I got to work I found out that they really were throwing a suprise pot luck. I probably could have eaten healthy...but yeah... I didnt. I had two sloppy joes, chips and dip, some pasta salad, a couple mini candy bars (more like more then a couple) and a cupcake. Tonight for dinner we are having meat loaf and dumplings...NOT horriable however very good food so I wont be able to skimp on it. :)
Today was a good day at work. I dont know if people really ment it or not but they threw me a party since I was leaving and all made a big deal about how much they were going to miss me. SO that was nice....way more then I was expecting. Then I spoke with my temp rep and she said they are working on making me perm for my half time position already. That was quick lets hope it works out. She also said that I could stil be a canidate for employment through them...which might be where I can get a few more hours. A PLUS!!! Just got to keep praying all goes well.
Alan got the new schedule which he was on. Mabye its a fluke or maybe its a sign that he is still go a job. I dont know. I am still ticked at them for making false acusations, and I think they should appoligize however Alan is so calm and we do need the job so I guess we just pass it under the rug.
Invited my brother and his girlfriend over tonight, Im not sure why. I know he is only going to hurt me down the road and he is only using me. However I cant stop. Mabye thats the next addiction I need to get rid of.
Havent talked to my mom in a couple days, once I come around to her then she starts back to the same old only contacting me once and a while... I have to just let her do what she wants and stop chasing her. It hurts how much my family finds me a bother, or an annoyance. Life goes on though...right.
Well I weigh in tomorrow and we will see how that goes. Im hoping for a kilogram down but I know considering how the week has gone... I shouldnt expect much. Lets just not hope for a gain.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I need to do better....
Ive decided I need to do better at this blogging thing. I feel like I dont get on here enough for myself or enough to help my friends and be there for them. For some reason I just keep forgetting it.
Well its been a bad couple of days for myself. My last weigh in on Monday I only lost 2-3 pounds I think that left me a little down. I know I should be ok with that but it just allowed me to not be as driven. Then I started my time of month the other day which doesnt help either :)
Tuesday we had a cook out, and I dont think I did as horriable as I could have :) I was happy about that. I did break my rule about going up for seconds however did half way decent the rest of the day. Yesterday was a night mare...I ate chocolate for every meal! BAD I told myself I was going to get back on track today, but since I woke up to cranky to eat breakfast, I had one of the donuts I took for work snack (even though I was kind enough to bring healthy stuff for the people that wanted it). Not horriable but could have been better. Then for lunch my boss asked me where I wanted to go... Today is our last day to work together before I start my other assignment. I didnt give any answers, as she was paying and I feel so uncomfortable with that. She choose chineese. Not the worst option but I could have picked a place where I could have eaten healthy. I broke my going up for seconds rule there toooo UGH. I didnt do bad outside of the fried mac and cheese bites but still!!!! Tonight when I got home I had these dumb little debbie snacks in which I dont buy but the other day someone offered to leave them from the cook out (I was strong and didnt eat any that night....) UGH why would they do that!!!!!
For dinner we are having pork chops and stuffing so I should be ok....but still not a stellar week - but could be worse. I guess we will find out Saturday when I get to weigh myself next.
Outside of food...hasnt been a horriable week. This is my last official week at full time and I jump to part time hours. Im hoping to find something else but that requires doing a resume and stuff and I have been really undriven enjoying spending time with Alan. The new assignment is going ok, though it is not all that I have wanted. Too many clicks, and it reminds me why I left the ER setting previously...however it is a job right? I should be thankful I have one... It still is temp, but there is at least the chance of being hired on at this job. So I will pray for the best.
My relationship is better then I could imagine, of course I think I could always be better for him and myself but I definetly can say its the happiest I have ever been and I feel extreamly blessed.
Family - well thats another issue I will talk about when the oven isnt calling my name to finish cooking.
Well its been a bad couple of days for myself. My last weigh in on Monday I only lost 2-3 pounds I think that left me a little down. I know I should be ok with that but it just allowed me to not be as driven. Then I started my time of month the other day which doesnt help either :)
Tuesday we had a cook out, and I dont think I did as horriable as I could have :) I was happy about that. I did break my rule about going up for seconds however did half way decent the rest of the day. Yesterday was a night mare...I ate chocolate for every meal! BAD I told myself I was going to get back on track today, but since I woke up to cranky to eat breakfast, I had one of the donuts I took for work snack (even though I was kind enough to bring healthy stuff for the people that wanted it). Not horriable but could have been better. Then for lunch my boss asked me where I wanted to go... Today is our last day to work together before I start my other assignment. I didnt give any answers, as she was paying and I feel so uncomfortable with that. She choose chineese. Not the worst option but I could have picked a place where I could have eaten healthy. I broke my going up for seconds rule there toooo UGH. I didnt do bad outside of the fried mac and cheese bites but still!!!! Tonight when I got home I had these dumb little debbie snacks in which I dont buy but the other day someone offered to leave them from the cook out (I was strong and didnt eat any that night....) UGH why would they do that!!!!!
For dinner we are having pork chops and stuffing so I should be ok....but still not a stellar week - but could be worse. I guess we will find out Saturday when I get to weigh myself next.
Outside of food...hasnt been a horriable week. This is my last official week at full time and I jump to part time hours. Im hoping to find something else but that requires doing a resume and stuff and I have been really undriven enjoying spending time with Alan. The new assignment is going ok, though it is not all that I have wanted. Too many clicks, and it reminds me why I left the ER setting previously...however it is a job right? I should be thankful I have one... It still is temp, but there is at least the chance of being hired on at this job. So I will pray for the best.
My relationship is better then I could imagine, of course I think I could always be better for him and myself but I definetly can say its the happiest I have ever been and I feel extreamly blessed.
Family - well thats another issue I will talk about when the oven isnt calling my name to finish cooking.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Too long between posts - FOOD!!!
ok so I feel like a crazy women who has gone without there drug of choice for too long. Problem is my drug of choice is food and I am full! I just want to eat and am very desperate, ready to do almost anything to get bad food!
Its that time of month, and its been a very emotional day and I have set myself up for some more emotional days ahead of me. I think this is what is creating the urge to stuff myself into submission or pain...so that I dont feel the emotional pain.
My life is great - I have a wonderful husband, I have a job (not one I am hundred percent sure of but more then most people have), I am moving forward instead of back and.. Ive gone from 199 kilograms to 193 kilograms. (11-12 pounds)
If I could lock myself in the world of just myself and my husband I might not feel soo stressed. Ive began to distrust people, and the world in general.
My life long best friend my mom, has faded from my life. Her life is a battle shes fighting which leaves her no energy - or should I say positive energy for me. Though she is trying again...but am I setting myself up for pain.
My brother, the one whos always been the clown to make me smile when my heart was broken to no repair (or so I thought), has grown up and started to resent me for what he feels was an unfair childhood.
With the loss of the two closest people in your life you start to wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Up until three days ago, I had come to terms with those loses...however loss one started to come around which makes you feel better. Then loss two comes around and loss one makes you feel like you are disappointing her by not accepting loss two. Mabye none of the intentions but the way my heart is feeling.
Food seems to be the only cure.
My husband is so amazing and listens, offers advice, and supports my every move, however I am addicted! I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD!
My brother and husband have started to live healthier with me, they are doing great .... mabye better then I would like. Afterall I am the one with the most weight to lose ... I should lose fastest. They both like veggies, and I almost resent them for their power. HOwever at the same time I am soooo proud of them for their accomplishment. Together we have lost about 30+ pounds in the last 26 days.
Im so happy and I feel like my life is finally moving forward - but why cant I leave the weight behind. Im tired of this.... 20+ years of it is getting to me!
Til later...
Its that time of month, and its been a very emotional day and I have set myself up for some more emotional days ahead of me. I think this is what is creating the urge to stuff myself into submission or pain...so that I dont feel the emotional pain.
My life is great - I have a wonderful husband, I have a job (not one I am hundred percent sure of but more then most people have), I am moving forward instead of back and.. Ive gone from 199 kilograms to 193 kilograms. (11-12 pounds)
If I could lock myself in the world of just myself and my husband I might not feel soo stressed. Ive began to distrust people, and the world in general.
My life long best friend my mom, has faded from my life. Her life is a battle shes fighting which leaves her no energy - or should I say positive energy for me. Though she is trying again...but am I setting myself up for pain.
My brother, the one whos always been the clown to make me smile when my heart was broken to no repair (or so I thought), has grown up and started to resent me for what he feels was an unfair childhood.
With the loss of the two closest people in your life you start to wonder what the heck is wrong with you. Up until three days ago, I had come to terms with those loses...however loss one started to come around which makes you feel better. Then loss two comes around and loss one makes you feel like you are disappointing her by not accepting loss two. Mabye none of the intentions but the way my heart is feeling.
Food seems to be the only cure.
My husband is so amazing and listens, offers advice, and supports my every move, however I am addicted! I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD!
My brother and husband have started to live healthier with me, they are doing great .... mabye better then I would like. Afterall I am the one with the most weight to lose ... I should lose fastest. They both like veggies, and I almost resent them for their power. HOwever at the same time I am soooo proud of them for their accomplishment. Together we have lost about 30+ pounds in the last 26 days.
Im so happy and I feel like my life is finally moving forward - but why cant I leave the weight behind. Im tired of this.... 20+ years of it is getting to me!
Til later...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Gonna try this out!
Todays will be short and sweet as supper is waiting on me....
Journaling has always been helpful however sometimes I feel like it is a reminder of just how many times I have tried losing weight and failed. Negative thought though so I am ... starting from scratch. Im sure it wont just be about food...but my food addiction is a circle and it revolves around everything in my life.
Today I found a place that I can weigh myself - my home scale does not go high enough and it says ERROR. I couldnt get it to go from kg to pounds - however after converting it, and realizing that kg is a much smaller number...mabye its good to leave it that way. SOO thats the plan for now.
Thanks Lisa for this suggestion... Ill write more later
Journaling has always been helpful however sometimes I feel like it is a reminder of just how many times I have tried losing weight and failed. Negative thought though so I am ... starting from scratch. Im sure it wont just be about food...but my food addiction is a circle and it revolves around everything in my life.
Today I found a place that I can weigh myself - my home scale does not go high enough and it says ERROR. I couldnt get it to go from kg to pounds - however after converting it, and realizing that kg is a much smaller number...mabye its good to leave it that way. SOO thats the plan for now.
Thanks Lisa for this suggestion... Ill write more later
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