rough day....

Hello,

I almost feel guilty writing in this and leaving it all for you to read because I dont want anyone to leave with a negative feeling, however on the same hand, I guess the reason why I opened this is so that I would have the ability to share my feelings and thoughts and even if no one reads it feel as if I am able to vent.

It is 11.45 pm and I am half way through my shift - its a great feeling and I am so excited to go home and sleep :) Been a long day as we were in Green Bay this morning and got up early, but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right? Work has been iffy today. It started off with someone asking me if I would work for them over Labor Day. I felt like I had to be honest and let her know that I didnt know if I was going to be here. I hate to say yes and not be here, but then again its not like me to say no. I was told a couple times that I just havnt given it enough time and I need to suck it up for a while. HOWEVER I did have a guard who muttered something about the same group of people who I have a problem with. I kind of caught him saying it and we had a discussion. It was good to hear someone feel as strongly as I do about it. Really made me feel like I wasnt just being too sensative. I also had a lady email me tonight who works in another department and tell me just how excited she is that I am working here and how great I am. I wasnt going to tell her that I was leaving ... (man it takes stuff a long time to get around here.... WEIRD) but after a couple emails I felt like I had to tell her. I dont know what I am going to do about employment yet, but I hope God knows :)

I talked to my boss the other day and explained to her how I was feeling. She did compliment me which was nice and said they didnt want to loose me but also acknowledge that she might not be able to help me. The one possiblity she said would double my hours, but cut my pay in half. OUCH that hurts. I guess we will see what happends.

So this weekend I was really excited that I had overcome the loss of losing my family. As in family I mean my mom and brother. Really growing up that is all I had. I had no friends, and they were the only two people I really saw and of course we were very close. Its been a hard process, however its been a process that has mainly taken care of itself. I cant make myself in to the person they want me to be and I cant seem to find middle ground and not be hurt doing so. SO I have just been letting them go to whatever makes the happier. Well today we took my step brother to the hospital to see his grandfather who was ill and my parents ended up being there. I knew it was going to be wierd as I havnt really had a conversation with my mom in months. Well she tried, and of course I felt that little bit of longing which made me try to. Then it fetched into how she could not pick sides between me and my brother ... and I lost it. I know she cant pick sides, but dont tell me there is two sides to every story when you know what I am saying is very true and accurate. Im steping in and taking her spot as a mother role for him, and well she would rather be his best friend. Then she said she has stopped calling me because I dont answer sometimes and she feels like she is bothering me. I was like.>>>WELCOME to the club! This is why I dont call her anymore. I ended up walking away because I knew we were not going to get anywhere. I love her, I love my brother but they both have made me hate myself very much, the situation has caused me to want to be a loaner. I am sick of people and I am sick of being rejected. I have been rejected most of my life, and when it comes from family it is kind of the final straw.

All I can say is I am so blessed to have Alan in my life, because besides him I really have no one. I know that is not a healthy but honestly that is all I feel I have right now. I struggle on a regular basis .. I hate my physical apperance, I hate my physical abilities, and Ive come to realize there must be something wrong with my personality that others dont want to be around me.

Ok so just was kind of mean to Alan. Im telling you my food addiction is bad! Its like an alchoholic when you tell him he cant have alch or you tell him he can have water and not alch. I flip out, I so want to hide whatever I am feeling with food, that if I cant have it, and cant have what I want when I want of food I flip. I have serious issues with food. I feel horriable for putting Alan through all of this. Hes an amazing man for wanting to help, and putting up with so much but at my weight, there are somethings I can do, he does them, there are the moody moments, he puts up with them, there are the emotional flaires that come with it...he endures them.

Ok I know this has been a lot of ramble but I am so lost in the issues.

On the other hand, I know just how blessed I am to have my husband. I am blessed to have a job, and be able to go to school. I am blessed to have an amazing God that I can call on and talk to and have faith in. I have an adorable dog, who is near to my heart, and soon to have a new kitten. I have a huge heart, and know that I touch peoples lives... I have some friends who have stood by me even if they arnt as close as I would like. I have a nice apartment and food on the table. Im very blessed, so please dont think I take any of that for granted!