Motivated again, but it feels different!

Hello everyone!

Well I am back - I actually came back to the blog by accident but I am glad a light bulb turned on in my head! About two weeks ago when arriving home from a trip we decided we were going to get healthy again! We decided that I would cut my calories back to 2000 a day and Alan back to 1800 a day. We struggled for the first couple days, however caught on quickly. About a week ago we realized that Alan's count needed to be a bit lower, and heck it wouldn't hurt me neither. So we lowered our count to 1600 calories a day. The weird part is -- It hasn't been all that hard for me in the past week or more! I mean I guess I do have spots where of course I have a down moment, and I revert to wanting to "use" to heal the wound however I have not! They say after three weeks it becomes a habit - HA lets hop it works in our case.

The hard part is I don't know how much I weigh. That's the reason I accutally came back to blog spot, because there might just be a chance I could know where I was at previously. Sure enough I was near 440. That would have been my highest weight ever, however I know that I have gone over that. Being that I dont work with that scale anymore, I am out of luck and will just wait until I can weigh on my own scale at 407 - until then I just keep up the faith and keep moving forward to that goal! I cant believe four years ago I had gone down from my highest of 420 to 331 - WHAT was I thinking gaining back 100+ pounds?

I guess it doesn't really matter how I got here, it matters how I am going to make a difference. For the last week I have been drinking only water besides 20 ounces of none water (dt pepsi or dt mt dew) and eating my calories that I have aloted. I really havent felt much hunger, or felt as if I was starving myself, and sooner then later I would like to try and incorperate at least some 1400 and mabye 1200 calorie days into my diet, however right now I think I am fine where I am at and mabye I will wait until the scale starts working for me. I have not included exercise into my diet, though I know that this is neccessary. I have however started both school and a job that is more active (at least in training) and know that eventually over time the excercise will come natural.

Ive already had a couple BIG non scale victories, which definetly help to motivate me! Before I started counting calories my feet were swelling up big time to the point that my toes could not even move. I think it was from being in the car and traveling or sitting with pressure to the back of my thighs - it doesnt really matter why. It would happen on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it would take til Sunday or Monday for them to go down, and then start all over again. NO swelling for over a week now! Also it had gotten to the point where my feet once again were in so much pain when I woke up that I could NOT walk on my own. I was using items as a walker, and in tears as I had to use the bathroom. Then after sitting for long periods of time, I was unable to walk due to horriable pain. NOW - its almost eliminated! I am so excited. Honestly the thinness is a big deal, however it is those non scale victories I want more. Those are the things that I can picture, and the items I can grasp. I have never been able to imagine myself thin, and recently its become even harder to see myself even just slightly overweight.

Alan has been a great support! I know he loves me as I am and would be fine if I didnt lose if he knew I didnt risk death. Hes struggling with counting his self, however is starting to understand why it is so difficult and can relate more to my issues. I wont say Im eating healthy, because until I train myself to do that -- it wont happen. I am however watching my portion sizes, measuring when I cook, and limiting what I eat. I think one of the most victorious moments for me... was going to subway. Ok so I had been eating there alot over the past couple weeks but only turkey or ham subs, no cheese, and very light veggies, and lite mayo on the side. My favorite however is the spicey italian - it always has been. Well I realized that I could have a spicy italian for close to what I could have the turkey for if I asked them to put only half the meat. I did it and it was great!

For me I have always felt you had to get the best deal, even when it comes to food - thats why I loved buffets. Man oh man is that a flawed phillosphy when it comes to food and eating out.

Ok enough already.. I will check back often and hope to keep trucking along strong on this journey. Below I am just going to jot some of my NONE scale victories I cant wait for.

Til later!

*For bosses to not discriminate due to my size
*To be able to wear super cute outfits
*To be able to get out and be active - other then calling a night out going out to eat
*To be able to ride on amuzement park rides
*To shop at a normal department store for clothes - save money
*To be able to shave easier
*To be cleaner
*To be a better love maker
*To be able to do more at the gym